Post by P✿pple on Apr 2, 2015 0:02:21 GMT -5
Hello EPOCH, sorry but there is no TLDR
I've noticed that despite my small unannounced return and random visits that there seems to be a cloud of flaky animosity lingering over whenever I try to speak to whom I assumed were old friends or to make conversation, not only on the board but on Skype as well. While I have finally had my long overdue and much needed break to get my barrings back in order it seems that my healthier, brighter attitude and outlook is blown off or just plain ignored. I couldn't understand why people weren't happy for me finally getting a break and being able to hold a conversation without wanting to dig my nails into a stress ball. So I had to ask.
I completely understand that while prior to my break I was at the end of my rope and said things and handled situations in a manner that were unfair and wrong. I acknowledge my faults and short comings in that aspect. However, I cannot go back in time and repair what's been done. It is also to be known that for those effected by my actions at that time to note that I was a drained, tired and hollow shell of what I normally was and had been. This is not me trying to justify myself, or make an excuse, I'm just stating the truth.
Since the sites opening of nearly 3 years ago I have had no breaks from it and had shouldered and taken care of the majority of the work and EPOCH's core operations and then some. Like anyone under that sort of unending responsibility, obligation and stress, with no weekend in sight for my 168 hour solo run work week, I didn't feel I had the time to gather my senses. But unlike most, I couldn't just walk away from here and take a weekend. I felt too ingrained and responsible for the site to have a moment to myself. It was only a matter of time before I broke/cracked/snapped, despite me portraying the unaffected armored tank or strong mother I make myself out to be.
Unable to handle anymore site responsibility on top of what I had already accumulated and been juggling to manage, create and figure out, the new topics that started to come up began to appear and seemed so inessential to what was truly needed in the bigger picture; to the point that I became frustrated and disgusted with anything that seemed to interrupt my work flow or just rub me the wrong way.
Trying to keep the lid on a pressure cooker is no easy task, it was only a matter of time before I started leaking steam and unfortunately anyone who walked into the kitchen at the time found it was too late to check on me, turn down the heat or try and fix anything. I needed to be left alone so that the build up would go away before the lid could be taken off.
Again, this is not an excuse. I completely understand that not everyone has armored skin like they assume I do, or who think I can seemingly walk through a room full of bitterness and hostility unaffected or are to differentiate between work mode and playtime attitude like water off a ducks back. That's fine and everyone is entitled to it.
I am here for one thing, and that is to formally apologize for my deterioration of self to the point of not only saying or doing things I did not mean, but that I did them thinking they were right at the time.
I made a mistake, I made several of them. The difference is that I live and learn from them. It makes it so much better with a clearer head. I don't hold onto resentment like an old Christmas card, when it comes to the people I honestly care about. I get it when someone is so angry that they make snap judgement decisions and then go 'aww gdi' when they can think clearly again. I understand that and it's called being human, I can't point the finger or blame someone for that.
Despite how 'perfect' and 'flawless' I tried to look it was clear I had some heavy make up and Photoshop going on to hide what was happening to me and what I was really feeling. I didn't realize the hands that were trying to move me from the heat were getting burned too or that they would still be wearing bandages this long after the heat had ended. I'm sorry for that, because it was never my intent to hurt anyone from the beginning but to get some honest help for the site. If you feel that you can't let what happened go or forgive me for it, please let me know via PM or Skype so I know not to bother you anymore, but do keep the knowledge that I tried to sincerely apologized for my actions.
EPOCH's original mom,
Popple
I've noticed that despite my small unannounced return and random visits that there seems to be a cloud of flaky animosity lingering over whenever I try to speak to whom I assumed were old friends or to make conversation, not only on the board but on Skype as well. While I have finally had my long overdue and much needed break to get my barrings back in order it seems that my healthier, brighter attitude and outlook is blown off or just plain ignored. I couldn't understand why people weren't happy for me finally getting a break and being able to hold a conversation without wanting to dig my nails into a stress ball. So I had to ask.
I completely understand that while prior to my break I was at the end of my rope and said things and handled situations in a manner that were unfair and wrong. I acknowledge my faults and short comings in that aspect. However, I cannot go back in time and repair what's been done. It is also to be known that for those effected by my actions at that time to note that I was a drained, tired and hollow shell of what I normally was and had been. This is not me trying to justify myself, or make an excuse, I'm just stating the truth.
Since the sites opening of nearly 3 years ago I have had no breaks from it and had shouldered and taken care of the majority of the work and EPOCH's core operations and then some. Like anyone under that sort of unending responsibility, obligation and stress, with no weekend in sight for my 168 hour solo run work week, I didn't feel I had the time to gather my senses. But unlike most, I couldn't just walk away from here and take a weekend. I felt too ingrained and responsible for the site to have a moment to myself. It was only a matter of time before I broke/cracked/snapped, despite me portraying the unaffected armored tank or strong mother I make myself out to be.
Unable to handle anymore site responsibility on top of what I had already accumulated and been juggling to manage, create and figure out, the new topics that started to come up began to appear and seemed so inessential to what was truly needed in the bigger picture; to the point that I became frustrated and disgusted with anything that seemed to interrupt my work flow or just rub me the wrong way.
Trying to keep the lid on a pressure cooker is no easy task, it was only a matter of time before I started leaking steam and unfortunately anyone who walked into the kitchen at the time found it was too late to check on me, turn down the heat or try and fix anything. I needed to be left alone so that the build up would go away before the lid could be taken off.
Again, this is not an excuse. I completely understand that not everyone has armored skin like they assume I do, or who think I can seemingly walk through a room full of bitterness and hostility unaffected or are to differentiate between work mode and playtime attitude like water off a ducks back. That's fine and everyone is entitled to it.
I am here for one thing, and that is to formally apologize for my deterioration of self to the point of not only saying or doing things I did not mean, but that I did them thinking they were right at the time.
I made a mistake, I made several of them. The difference is that I live and learn from them. It makes it so much better with a clearer head. I don't hold onto resentment like an old Christmas card, when it comes to the people I honestly care about. I get it when someone is so angry that they make snap judgement decisions and then go 'aww gdi' when they can think clearly again. I understand that and it's called being human, I can't point the finger or blame someone for that.
Despite how 'perfect' and 'flawless' I tried to look it was clear I had some heavy make up and Photoshop going on to hide what was happening to me and what I was really feeling. I didn't realize the hands that were trying to move me from the heat were getting burned too or that they would still be wearing bandages this long after the heat had ended. I'm sorry for that, because it was never my intent to hurt anyone from the beginning but to get some honest help for the site. If you feel that you can't let what happened go or forgive me for it, please let me know via PM or Skype so I know not to bother you anymore, but do keep the knowledge that I tried to sincerely apologized for my actions.
EPOCH's original mom,
Popple