4.0 Dedicated to its Members and Fans of Pokemon A Pokemon Sandbox RP
Pokémon Dubstep (ft. Lindsey Stirling)
W
elcome Adventurer to EPOCH! A Pokemon Sandbox Rp set in the original region of Nue. Everything you need to know will be in the Guidebook and PokeDex 101!
EPOCH uses the Manga and is built on the Original ideas suggested by our members.
We are more than just a Pokemon RP, we're a friendly community with a goal on being a memorable experience for those that look in.
Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated. If you find yourself content with being an asshole EPOCH and its members will not tolerate you.
RULES
Understand We're All Human. Respect the staffers as well as your fellow members and guests. We all have flaws, tempers and quirks. Be patient with one another, but if issues involving other members come up please don’t just grin and bear it. Contact a staff member, informing them of what's going on so they can address and resolve the situation. The staff won't know what's bothering you unless you tell them.
EPOCH is PG-13. Proboards’ Terms of Service:
Sex; When you get under the clothes, fade to black.
Violence; Do not go into extreme nauseating detail.
Cursing; This is so fucking allowed, but don't go overboard.
Suggestive Content; In avatars, signatures and templates can attract the wrong kind of attention. So be careful.
How did he get back in the demolished living room, surrounded by nothing but destroyed furniture, shards of glass and pottery that’d been thrown around in the struggle that’d taken place here? The house was dark, and it was so quiet, but it was the tense kind of silence that meant something was very wrong. Like something was slowly coming for him, but he couldn’t move. Standing very still and taking shallow breaths, it felt like something was compressing his chest, his body, and refusing to allow him to move before there was a sudden crash from above. Looking up, he wouldn’t see anything and immediately the house was silent again. The pressure from before faded swiftly and against his better judgment, Jerry slowly made his way through the disaster he’d made of the living room and out into the hall.
Blood. It was the first thing he saw upon leaving the living room. There was blood everywhere, splattered on the walls, the floor, and the few pieces of furniture in the long passageway. A sharp chill shot through him as he stared long and hard at the mess, his stomach twisting, his breath once more becoming shallow and quick as he stared in horror at the mess. There was so much blood, but what had happened here? Where did it all come from? His body was compelled forward, stepping slowly towards the pool of blood on the floor, and just as he got to the edge and stopped, there was a loud THUNK.
Then another THUNK, and another one, before there was a THUD that quickly followed that, which was suddenly followed by another THUD and all of the THUNKs and THUDs rolled together to reveal the fact that something big and heavy was falling down the stairs. From where he stood, Jerry couldn’t see what was falling, nor did he really want to, but he couldn’t move to turn away. Frozen in place, the falling object would suddenly roll into view in the midst of the blood and Jerry was suddenly hit with a wave of revelation at the sight. A familiar body now lay bent and broken in the hallway in front of him. He could only stare at the mess, but rather than feel horrified or disgusted with the sight, he only felt… Numb, again.
He supposed at this point, that he should have felt something seeing the body of the man he killed. He hadn’t initially, and not even here did the sight stir him really. Many times before, he’d been plagued by the thoughts and desires that led to this man’s death, but this was the first time he’d actually given into them… Well, in a roundabout way. He didn’t kick the man down the stairs, but that hole in his hand didn’t get there by itself. Nor did the bruises and scratches… Man, the number of times Jerry must have hit this man in the head most likely added to the lethalness of the final blow. In a morbid kind of way, he once more was impressed and actually a bit amused. Briefly he wondered if the man bled out on those stairs, or did he die the moment his head hit the edge of the steps? Was he simply unconscious? Perhaps he was still alive…?
No. It was impossible, Jerry was sure of that fact. This man was very much dead. While he himself had never been present when someone passed away, the cold chill that shook his whole body to it’s very core was something he’d never forget or dismiss. Jerry had watched this person die, and he didn’t do a damn thing to help him… In all honesty, it wasn’t like he really wanted to either. Reaching up to rub his temple, part of Jerry almost seemed glad to see the bastard was dead. Dead meant away from Lucas and away from Lucas meant Lucas was safe, which is all he ever really wanted. For Lucas to be safe and happy…
“… Jerry… Jerry, what did you do?”
The voice caught him off guard from behind, and Jerry could only gasp sharply as he hadn't anticipated hearing it. Suddenly whirling around to see Lucas now standing behind him, Jerry’s eye that had once been dull and lifeless became vivid with emotion once more. The sight of Lucas Courtwater staring at him in absolute horror was more painful and heartbreaking than anything he'd ever experienced. “Lucas, I didn’t—!”
“Jerry, what did you do?!” a pained cry from Lucas cut him off. “You didn’t what, Jerry?! Don’t lie to me when you’re covered in blood!”
The world immediately changed to nothing but mirrors surrounding Jerry like some twisted fun house. All he could see was himself, and the blood covering his hands. He backed up from his own reflection and turned to only smack right into another one. Looking up into the void, he cried out “Lucas, wait! I-It’s not what you think!” The mirror behind him faded away just as Jerry turned around to show Lucas cowering in the void by himself. Jerry quickly bolted from the mirror to run for him, reaching out with his bloody hands. Just as he was about to grab Lucas, his hands were slapped away and Lucas reeled back as if Jerry were about to strike him. However, Jerry immediately recoiled himself and simply held his hands up in panicked bewilderment. “Lucas…?”
“Don’t touch me!” Lucas’s voice cried through the void, echoing overwhelming fear and sadness. It hit Jeremiah right to his core, making it hard to breathe. “How could you?! What kind of monster are you?!”
“Lucas…” he weakly whimpered out.
“Stay away from me! This is all your fault, it’s all your fault! Your cousin, your family, they ruined everything!” Lucas ranted on and on, crying and so clearly betrayed. Jerry could only stand there frozen as his friend fell apart and no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t cry out to him. He could only stand there as Lucas shoved every worry, every fear Jerry had had about losing his precious friend right in his face. “I had a future, I was going to become wealthy and have a great family, and have my own happily ever after, but then you came back! You had to come back and drag all your problems with you! When are you going to grow up, huh?! Realize that it’s never gonna be like it was when we were kids! I’m not a prince, and you’re just… You’re just delusional! I’m so tired of putting up with you!”
“Lucas, I’m sorry!” Jerry finally managed to cry out.
“I wish I’d never met you!” Lucas was practically screaming at this point, an unsettling change from his usually soft spoken and quiet disposition.
It was too late for apologies at this point.
“I hate you!”
In the next instant, Jerry jerked awake in his bed, dazed and panting heavily. It was so dark in the room that he couldn’t see a thing, which was a nice change for a moment. Sitting up on the bed as he caught his breath, he brought his hands up to his face and slowly pushed his hair back, only to realize… His hands were wet? Blinking in confusion, he slowly pulled his hands from his hair and in the darkness and his dazed state, for a moment he could’ve sworn his hands were covered in red. His heart stopped and without even taking a moment to double check if what he saw was right, Jerry was up and out of his bed. Moving faster than his mind was processing, he stumbled across the hotel room into the bathroom and slapped the light switch to briefly blind himself on accident. No matter the momentary blindness, the panicking young man raced over to the sink and took to meticulously and mindlessly wash his hands over and over and over.
Minutes ticked by of nothing but washing his hands before he slowly came to a stop as the water washed away the last layer of suds to show his rubbed raw hands. He finally seemed to have come out of his previous hysterics to realize what he was doing. Slowly looking up in the mirror, Jerry was met not with the sight of a blood covered killer, but a very exhausted and drained Jeremiah Burton. His emerald eye dull with heavy bags beneath it, he could see also the source of the moisture that’d caused his initial panic was just sweat.
Now he felt like an idiot, but at least he was a relieved one. The collar of his shirt was covered in sweat, the fact he dismissed to the AC unit of the hotel must have broke or something… Though the room wasn't terribly hot. He peered over his shoulder towards the shower, and silently made his way over to it, flicking on the cold water to just spray his head down and cool off, though he didn’t bother with taking off his current shirt until after he pulled his head out from under the shower head. Shutting it off and pulling off the shirt, he dropped it carelessly on the ground and turned to grab another shirt from his bag on the floor and pulled it on. Every action seemed to be simply an act of going through the motions, rather than a strong desire to care for himself. As he straightened out the new shirt on his torso, Jerry’s eye would catch the mirror and he could only stop and stare at his reflection for a minute. It looked like he was at least making some kind of recovery from his recent fight, but he was still pretty roughed up from the whole clash.
Obviously, some more internal issues as a result of that day still remained. He tried not to dwell on them, to continue ignoring it all and hoping that maybe if he just locked it all up inside like everything else, it'd just go away. Now wasn't the time for mental break downs, he didn't have the liberty to fall apart, especially with Lucas's own well-being at risk. After several days though, it was just steadily getting worse. This was the second time in the previous week he'd been jolted awake by a nightmare, but thankfully the previous one had been a fair bit more tame. With it escalating like this though, to the point he'd panicked enough to actually physically hurt himself if the burning sensation form his hands meant anything, Jerry was starting to face the harsh reality that maybe he was really starting to lose his mind somehow. This was the age in which some mental ailments started to set in... No, there was no way he was inheriting those things, right?
The fact he couldn't immediately dismiss the idea disturbed him further and he almost gave into the quiet temptation to sink down and curl up into a ball on the bathroom floor, but instead he just turned to grab a towel from the shelves to start drying off his head.
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Post by Lucas Courtwater on Jan 11, 2015 20:13:06 GMT -5
HOW LONG CAN YOU STAND THE PAIN? HOW LONG WILL YOU HIDE YOUR FACE?
[attr="class","springscrl"]He must have only just fallen asleep. He remembered lying in bed, for who knew how long, waiting to pass out. There were the sounds of the city outside that reminded him vaguely of home, there was just sleeping in the bed next to him. And then there were other sounds, seemingly far away in the darkness of the room. The creaking of a bed, the dull roar of what could have been rushing water.
Lucas opened his eyes slowly, half-forgetting the sounds for a moment in that dazed state between sleep and wakefulness. After a second he turned over, and saw the bed beside his empty, blinking as he registered that the room was being dimly lit by the light from the bathroom door. He shifted to prop himself up on his elbow, listening, but all was almost eerily quiet, now. Maybe it was the circumstances for being here, but this hotel room felt so much more foreign and uninviting than those they had stayed in before.
Maybe Jerry had just needed something to drink?
Or had something woken him up again.
When Jerry still didn't come out after another moment of waiting, shrugs off the blankets covering him and got out of bed, shuffling carefully across the room. He paused again just outside the door, listening once more, but he couldn't see or hear anything but a light rustling noise, and he stepped inside, pushing the door back slightly to look over toward the shower. "Jerry . . . ?"
His eyes traveled over his friend, still blinking against the light and groggily noting the new shirt, that the shower had been used, and then Jerry's hands. At first he didn't know what he was looking at, and he almost reached up to rub his eyes. And then his breath caught. Not a trick of light or his eyesight needing to adjust. They were red and inflamed, scrubbed raw.
He had heard the water running. That's what the roar had been, he remembered. Lucas looked from the shower to the sink, and back to Jerry, eyes widening slowly in alarm as he pieced the scene together. What had happened? Why would he . . . ?
". . . Jerry, what did you do?" he asked softly, voice full of concern as he crossed the bathroom to get a closer look at the injuries. He barely had to ask what though, and even if he didn't know the details of why, he could take a guess.
He had thought, after that night in the desert, and again after he'd heard Jerry awaken from a nightmare a couple of nights previous, that his friend would finally be ready to open up to him about what had happened. A dozen or more times he had been on the verge of bringing it up himself, but something always interrupted, or he got lost in trying to figure out what to say. And it had killed him, the waiting. To see Jerry's physical injuries beginning to heal only to have his eyes look a little more tired, a little more lost, every day. No matter how much Jerry tried to hide it, Lucas knew he wasn't getting better.
But this . . . his eyes would lock on Jerry's hands even as the other moved, and then rise back up to look to his face. This was too much. Lucas could only wait so long for him to be ready, and he couldn't sit through Jerry hurting himself. ". . . are you alright?" he asked, his voice still quiet, anxious. Almost a whisper, as though there was still someone he was trying not to wake. But he already knew the true answer, no matter the one Jerry chose to give.
Continuing to ruffle up his hair and dry it off, it wasn’t until Jerry’s heightened senses picked up on someone coming that he realized he’d made one major mistake. All the noise from running through the room, using the shower and the sink, Lucas was such a light sleeper now-a-days, he had probably woke him up if Lucas had even managed to sleep at all. He slumped back against the wall and pulled the towel back to let it rest across his shoulders with a heavy sigh and shake of his head. Damn it, Lucas could really use the sleep, and could really benefit from not waking up to something like this. Frowning at the mistake, he rattled his mind for some sort of excuse to explain his predicament, but nothing sounded good enough, yet. The door slowly slid open and Jerry brought his head up to meet the gaze of precious baby blues.
At first, the sight of Lucas brought a slight smile to Jerry – though it didn’t quite reach his eye – courtesy of the fact Lucas was always adorable when he was sleepy. For a moment, he just tried to push aside the previous disaster by taking a second to pull the towel from his shoulders, ignoring how much his hands burned with every motion. He started to press off the wall, and softly spoke “Sorry, babe, I didn’t mean to… wake you…” His voice trailed off when he looked up from the towel and his hands to see Lucas’s eyes had begun to widen in alarm. His heart felt like it just suddenly stopped, terror kicked in when he saw the eyes were trained on him and he felt his mouth go dry, his thoughts go blank. For a moment, it was like a flash back to the previous nightmare, as if one blink he was back in the void with Lucas, and the next he was in the hotel bathroom again. His stomach twisted, he felt like he was going to throw up, and he swallowed back a ball of nerves as he stared at Lucas, who was processing the scene.
“. . . Jerry, what did you do?”
Every muscle at once began to tense up at that question, subtly Jerry’s body began trying to slowly retreat from Lucas, but he had nowhere to hide in here. He only leaned back before going still and tried to rationalize himself. It was a flicker of nightmare and back to reality, again. That question, that question again... He was awake, right? This wasn’t the nightmare still? He couldn’t take hearing Lucas saying all those things again… He moved his fingers slightly and grimaced as sharp shocks of pain shot through his hand. Yeah, you didn’t feel pain in your dreams. Immediately his eyes shot down to his red and burning hands, only to see them trembling and shaking as the wave of anxiety hit him. His fingers wriggled about nervously suddenly, like he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with them. Jerry was plagued with the urge to start scrubbing them again, but he stayed still as Lucas would come to a stop in front of him. He had to calm down, or was going to drive himself mad.
When Lucas would look up to his face, Jerry was bowing his head, trying to hide himself until he could manage to look at Lucas and meet his gaze. It wouldn’t be hard at all to tell something was wrong. He was shaking, pale and starting to sweat, again. Immediately after Lucas questioned if he was alright, Jerry brought his hand up to hold his face again and quickly but quietly replied “I’m fine, I’m fine… I-I just need a moment, I’m sorry.” He shook his head a few times before slowly looking up to meet Lucas’s gaze and despite his efforts, he wasn’t holding it together as well as he usually did. “I think I just got a cold or something, I’m sorry” he muttered to try and dismiss his current appearance. Giving a shaky smile, Jerry weakly tacked on “I’ll be fine, just go back to bed, alright? I didn't mean to wake you.”
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Post by Lucas Courtwater on Jan 12, 2015 12:59:01 GMT -5
HOW LONG CAN YOU STAND THE PAIN? HOW LONG WILL YOU HIDE YOUR FACE?
[attr="class","springscrl"]It was really bad. He could see that now. Not just his hands - Lucas wracked his brain for how to do something to treat those - but everything about Jerry in that moment screamed thinly veiled agony. Lucas' lips pursed as he took in the pallor, the way Jerry leaned away from him when he approached and how long he kept his head ducked down. His eyes fixed on how Jerry's hand trembled, twitched. It was like he was coming apart, and Lucas knew that if he hadn't woken up, Jerry would have just tried to go back to bed and not say anything about it in the morning. How could he have let Jerry go on this long like this?
He shook his head as Jerry insisted he was fine. Even if he had been blind, he wouldn't have believed that. Surely Jerry didn't think he would believe it. If there was something Lucas knew a whole lot about, it was anxiety, and right now, Jerry . . . The redhead tried to explain it all away with the excuse that he was catching a cold, and Lucas' heart sunk a little. It was just such a pathetic excuse; was he that desperate to pretend he was alright when he was so clearly not?
The weak smile Jerry gave him just cut into him a little more, and Lucas placed his outward focus on fretting over Jerry's hands while his mind raced for ways to start mending everything else. He shook his head when Jerry told him to go back to bed.
"A cold doesn't do that," he insisted, firmly but still gently, nodding to his hands. And moreover, Lucas could always tell when Jerry was sick. Jerry tried to play that off a lot too, up until he was actually bedridden. It was . . . it was scary, really, the more and more he thought about it. For as long as they had known each other, Jerry had been dismissing his own problems for Lucas' benefit. Even when he tried to ask him what was wrong, he would always just say he was fine, that it wasn't important, he was dealing with it. Even when he was always the one to make sure Lucas shared his troubles. So why couldn't he just do the same, for once? For something like this?
". . . Was it a nightmare?" he asked, just trying to give Jerry some kind of opening. Maybe if he could just get him to open up about that one thing, he would finally let go about the rest of it. He knew Jerry always wanted to be the strong one, to never show any weakness - but this was him. He should have been able to rely on him, out of everyone else. "Do you want to talk about it?"
As Lucas remarked that a cold wouldn’t do this to Jerry, the red head’s smile faltered and he struggled to keep up that charade he always forced upon himself. That lie that everything was fine, that there was nothing wrong, that everything was going to be okay. In his exhausted and shaken state, even he couldn’t keep lying to himself at this point. He wasn’t okay. He looked sheepishly to the prince before him and could see the bags under Lucas’s eyes, still. The groggy look may have faded a bit, but Lucas was still tired. Any moment of sleep he could get was rare and needed, and now Jerry had cost him some of that. Jerry’s eye turned away when he suddenly felt like he couldn’t look at his friend anymore.
Just go back to sleep, Lucas… He silently begged in his mind before Lucas would ask another question. He swallowed back a wave of nerves and slowly looked back over to the blond. Was it a nightmare? Wasn’t this whole thing a nightmare? He had to hold back an urge to let out a heartless chuckle at that thought and tilted his head to stare miserably at his hands. Lucas was seeing right through him, now, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. It’d always been up to Jerry to make himself feel better, make everything be fine, again. Not that it wasn’t because Lucas didn’t try to help, but trying to do it all by himself was just what Jerry naturally defaulted to. Of course, having Lucas there made it far easier than it would’ve been to truly have to handle it all alone. Lucas kept him grounded, kept him moving forward, and gave him a reason to fight off the demons in his head. To be honest, he’d never unleashed the full burdens that haunted his mind on his prince, had he? No, and he never wanted to. He didn’t want to be a burden, a problem for Lucas on top of everything.
Yet, here he was, causing worry and concern and there wasn’t any way to lie his way out of it. What was this feeling steadily building up inside as Lucas pressed on to see if Jerry wanted to talk about it? Was it anger? No, nothing Lucas did now was irksome. Frustration? Maybe, but that was more with himself than with Lucas. He searched through his mind for words, for some inner understanding of himself, but it was hard to pin point anything with how much of a mess he had allowed his mind to become. Weeks and months of repressed emotions were threatening to burst through his weakened barriers.
The red head slowly shook his head and seemed to try and retract his head like a turtle into his shoulders. His hands were still shaking, his nerves utterly rattled, his heart racing, was he scared? He tried to bring a hand up to cover his face, but had to resort to pressing his cool wrist to his forehead when his fingers stung from the contact. His head was starting to hurt now, he really felt like he was going to be sick, and there Lucas was right in front of him, watching it all. He clenched his teeth and felt his shoulders tremble as the stress built up more and more.
“I said I’m fine” he insisted weakly, and even he cringed at how pathetic he sounded. Lucas wasn’t going to leave him like this, he knew, he so horribly knew. He almost cracked then, but still he weakly whimpered out “Please, just… Just go back to sleep, Lucas.” He forced on a pitiful smile, but it was shaky at best. It was pointless, but some reason, his body demanded he try. His stubbornness refused to give as he teetered on a fragile line. “I just— I just need a moment, I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine” he chanted weakly, though it almost seemed like he was talking more to himself at this point. “Just a moment, that’s all” he muttered before bowing his head. Jerry moved his wrist over his eye to cover any tears that may slip out.
At this point, had it been anyone else, perhaps even Regina, Jerry would have lashed out like some animal drawn back into a corner. Turning all of this built up stress into fuel for anger, yelling and forceful to just get a chance alone, but he couldn’t do that to Lucas. The stress just flowed uneasily under the surface, looking for any crack to start seeping through with Lucas in front of him. Despite how hard Jerry tried not to fall apart in front of his precious friend, in all honesty, Lucas was the only person he’d allow to see him like this. That didn’t necessarily mean he wanted to fall apart, though.
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Post by Lucas Courtwater on Jan 15, 2015 19:09:40 GMT -5
HOW LONG CAN YOU STAND THE PAIN? HOW LONG WILL YOU HIDE YOUR FACE?
[attr="class","springscrl"]Every second spent watching Jerry crumbling before him was working on Lucas, driving needles of clarity into him that shook away the remaining sleepiness. Jerry could barely even look at him now, and Lucas was starting to wonder how his friend had lasted even this long. He had been wrong, so, so, wrong to have left the issue alone all this time. He should have known by now that no matter how painful the problem, no matter how much Jerry was suffering - he would just hold it all in, putting on smiles for Lucas and trying to make out like nothing could touch him. That's what he had always done, even when they were little kids, even when Jared . . .
That had haunted Lucas for the longest time, just knowing what Jerry had lived through back then without saying a word. How while Lucas would go home at the end of the day to a warm, loving home, a place of utmost safety, Jerry went back and faced a mentally unstable man that wasn't above abusing and experimenting on and eventually nearly killing a child. And yet, Jerry had always been Lucas' protector, the fearless one that didn't seem to have a care in the world. He had made Lucas' childhood the ideal dream that it was. Jerry had told him many times afterward that Lucas had been everything he needed back then, that he'd been happy because of their friendship - but if Lucas had just seen what was going on, if Jerry had just talked to him . . . There was no way to know how differently things would have gone. Lucas still got that sick feeling in his stomach whenever abuse cases came up in the news.
But had anything even changed from when they were children, in that regard? How much did Jerry still deal with silently, all the while taking care of Lucas? Had Lucas really honestly believed that Jerry would bring up any of his own issues, especially something like what had happened at the house, when Lucas was in the condition he was in? He knew what he would see if he turned around and looked in the mirror. Lucas could barely remember what it was like to not be tired, to not be this gaunt, pale version of himself that had Jerry constantly checking on him and forcing him to eat. Jerry would never in a million years willingly burden him with anything when he was like this. Jerry would just keep sacrificing himself in this awful attempt to protect him. Jerry always said the Lucas was selfness, but Jerry, Jerry had suffered so much for him. It wasn't right.
It wasn't anger Lucas was feeling, either, except maybe at himself. His chest ached, there was a pressure on his forehead and a soreness in his shoulders. The room around them was just a haze as Lucas could only focus on Jerry, every shudder, every submissive gesture, and he couldn't stand it. Seeing him like this - seeing him so broken, he felt the pain as clearly as if someone had him locked in a vice. As Jerry withdrew more, pressed his wrist to head, the red rawness of his hands so glaringly apparent again, Lucas almost wanted to just reach out and grab him, but he didn't move.
Jerry insisted he was fine again, this terrible little broken line, and Lucas' breath just died in his throat. Stop it, Jerry. He could only stare blankly at the redhead as he continued to tell Lucas to just go back to sleep, as though he could forget all of this. Giving him a smile that could have made Lucas cringe.
If it had been him, Jerry would have stopped this long ago. If Lucas had been this hurt, Jerry would have took him in his arms and made him talk the moment he noticed. And he always noticed.
As Jerry quietly, weakly chanted that absurd line, the only indication that Lucas was even hearing him was a slight, lost shake of his head. If only Jerry would just let it out, anything to just let go of all the pain he was trying to hide, it would have been so much better than this. Watching this last, sad display, Lucas could just feel a pounding in his head that seemed to drown Jerry's muttering out. It was the build up of a fever, heat on his face and crawling up his arms, dragging at the back of his neck. He couldn't listen to this anymore, he couldn't let Jerry be alone anymore. His best friend, the person he loved more than anyone else, right in front of him, shattered and pulling away. No more smiles, no more spark in the vibrant green of his eye, no grand a boisterous stance.
It was this feeling. Like, I already almost lost you once. Once a long time ago, another time Jerry had stood in front of him and told him to go, out the door and left back to the street.
"No," he said, so sudden and seemingly loud in the quiet hotel suite. "No- no more, Jerry. You're not fine. Why are you doing this to yourself?" His mouth snapped shut and he realized he was shaking, too, now. He couldn't think straight to what he wanted to say, but the words came anyway, his voice lower again as his fingers clenched slightly, staring down and off to the side. Maybe just because somewhere in his mind he couldn't bare to lecture Jerry like this with the other already looking so terribly upset. "You- you've always done this. Even when we were kids, you never let me know when something was bothering you. Not when it was important. You always just deal with everything on your own, even when you're telling me that I shouldn't hold it in. You tell me- you tell me it's okay to cry, that my feelings matter . . . that even if I think it's stupid it's not - that's it's important because I'm feeling it. And that no matter what it is you'll be there and you'll help. But you don't let me help."
Lucas looked up at Jerry then, barely even lifting his head, but his expression was made of pure conflict. Brow knit, lips pressed into a shaky line like he wanted to yell out or maybe cry. Eye glassy but piercingly blue. "And I understand why. I know you don't want to burden me. Everything you do is just trying to protect me - even if it ends up ruining you in the process, and it's not supposed to be like that Jerry. You're not supposed to hide what you're feeling so I'll be okay. How could I ever be okay when I know you're hurt and you won't let me help you? I don't know where you got the idea that it was alright for you to carry all this pain by yourself, but you're wrong. What am I here for - why if I'm not going to have your back too? You're not just my- my bodyguard! You're not some hired help that's not expected to have any feelings of his own - you're my best friend. We're partners. You're the most important person in my life, and I love you, and when you're hurt I want to help. I can't stand . . ." The fire seemed to go out of him, then, his shoulders slanting just staring at Jerry. His voice was quiet, and everything about him tired again. ". . . I can't stand seeing you like this. You don't have to be afraid of talking to me . . . whatever it is, I'm still going to be right here with you . . . but this . . . this," he nodded numbly at Jerry, "It needs to stop.You shouldn't have to be in pain like this by yourself Jerry. Nothing scares me more than just . . . you being alone. . . . You deserve so much better than having to feel like this . . . If it were me . . . If I did this to myself, would you have even let it last a second?"
For another long moment he just stared at Jerry, his heart pounding, everything feeling sore. Looking at Jerry's hands, his expression, everything about him . . . it was like reading the pain, and it stung so horribly to see. If it hadn't been clear that Lucas was on the verge of tears before, it would have been now - though none had fallen his eyes were clearly watering. Even more as what he'd said struck him, all the things he said, how harsh Lucas suddenly felt like it must have been. He shouldn't have . . . he should have been more patient, he should have . . . There were so many things he should have done, tonight and long before now.
". . . I'm sorry Jerry," he choked out, and cleared his throat. ". . . I'm sorry, I-I just . . ." He just looked at Jerry sheepishly, still shaking a little, and searched for some sort of reaction from him.
It ate at him to feel so vulnerable, it made him just want to curl up in a ball and never leave this bathroom until he could look Lucas straight in the eye, again. Which may as well be never again at this point, he just felt like he had screwed up so hard suddenly. Maybe if he had just stayed quiet, or if he had just shut the bathroom door and locked it, if he’d done a lot of things, the air wouldn’t be so thick with tension and hard to breathe. He struggled to do as he always did, waiting for Lucas to leave or do something, anything. Admittedly, in the back of his mind, he knew Lucas wasn’t going anywhere, but for one really stupid moment, he was really hoping he would leave him be. Standing there, almost fully expecting Lucas to stay put and attempt to comfort him, what Lucas began to say was not what Jerry had anticipated.
“No.”
Jerry nearly jumped at the firmness behind that one syllable alone and he slowly brought his head up to timidly look at Lucas with his blood shot eye. His friend wasn’t even looking at him, but Jerry could tell he had reached a limit of some sort.
“No—No more, Jerry. You’re not fine. Why are you doing this to yourself?”
Jerry opened his mouth to reply, but the sight of Lucas trembling and looking damn determined to keep going made his words die in his throat and mouth slowly shut. With a pained expression, he wondered if it was even worse than he thought it was because without even saying what ‘this’ was, Jerry knew exactly what Lucas referred to. His head slowly bowed as he considered what it was he did to himself. He had to, didn’t he? Part of him was afraid the answer may actually upset Lucas further, so he just held his tongue as his friend would continue.
“You—you’ve always done this. Even when we were kids, you never let me know when something was bothering you. Not when it was important. You always just deal with everything on your own, even when you’re telling me that I shouldn’t hold it in. You tell me—you tell me it’s okay to cry, that my feelings matter . . . that even if I think it’s stupid it’s not – that it’s important because I’m feeling it. And that no matter what it is you’ll be there and you’ll help.”
There was only one time in which Jerry could remember he didn’t feel like he had to do this to himself, and ironically it was when someone had preached those same words to him. Telling him it’s okay to cry, that his feelings mattered, that it’s not stupid if he felt it… The last time he felt like he could really just openly cry and not hate himself for falling apart as he was now, it all went back to the man that taught him the very words Lucas was saying Jerry had always said. Though he was so terribly young at the time, Jeremiah Burton Senior’s words, kindness, and patience had imprinted themselves deep within Jerry’s mind. Jerry’s grandfather’s wisdom had spared him and Lucas so much trouble from the time they were young, in fact it was a major part of how Jerry and Lucas had been able to become so close and come so far. Jerry could easily remember all the times he preached those words about being weak was nothing to be ashamed of, but…
“But you don’t let me help.”
When did he stop believing in those things when it came to himself?
He took a moment to glance up sheepishly at Lucas, only to see that the rant he was unleashing was hurting him just as much. From years of being at his side, Jerry could see the signs of Lucas on the verge of crying or shouting in frustration – though the latter was rather rare. To know he was igniting those feelings made his heart shatter even further, his head bowed in retreat and he almost whimpered out another apology, but instead, he continued to hold his tongue so Lucas could have his say.
“And I understand why. I know you don’t want to burden me. Everything you do is just trying to protect me – even if it ends up reuining you in the process, and it’s not supposed to be like that Jerry. You’re not supposed to hide what you’re feeling so I’ll be okay. How could I ever be okay when I know you’re hurt and you won’t let me help you? I don’t know where you got the idea that it was alright…”
Jerry started to bring his head up with a silent baffled look at Lucas as he would let it all out. Expressing his confusion about the reasoning Jerry would even think to view himself as just a body guard, not understanding where Jerry got the idea he was only that and nothing more.
“You’re not some hired help that’s not expected to have any feelings of his own – you’re my best friend. We’re partners. You’re the most important person in my life, and I love you, and when you’re hurt I want to help. I can’t stand . . .”
It was getting hard to see Lucas at this point as the tears had blurred Jerry’s vision, and he’d once more bow his head. He felt like such an idiot, a jerk, an idiotic jerk. A big old dumbass to have messed up so royally hard that Lucas Courtwater, the personification of patience and kindness was the one lecturing him now. When Lucas’s voice would weaken and lose its previous passion, Jerry just felt his walls collapsing all around him.
“. . . I can’t stand seeing you like this. You don’t have to be afraid of talking to me . . . whatever it is, I’m still going to be right here with you . . . but this—” Jerry sniffed hard as he peeked up to see the nod towards him “—this. It needs to stop. You shouldn’t have to be in pain like this by yourself Jerry. Nothing scares me more than just . . . you being alone. . . . You deserve so much better than having to feel like this . . .”
He really didn’t feel like he deserved better then feeling like this at that moment. He felt sick and tired, and like he had fucked up so hard and he had no idea how to fix it this time. He started to slowly open his mouth when Lucas would work out one more line.
“If it were me . . . If I did this to myself, would you have even let it last a second?”
“No” Jerry weakly croaked out before falling silent as Lucas just stared him down. It was like he was just a little cell under the microscope and the only thing he could think to do was hold his breath and wait for Lucas to look away. All of his previous withheld emotions were steadily leaking out faster and faster though, Jerry’s iron walls of strength were rusting and collapsing to show cracked glass and toxic waste. He swallowed hard to try and hold back a sob, and all attempts to bullshit his way out of this slowly faded from Jerry’s mind as he watched the tears slip from Lucas’s eyes. When the apology came out, Jerry just started to shake his head and he slowly reached up for Lucas, before freezing with his hands in mid-air as Lucas apologized again and seemed like he wanted to go on, but Lucas’s words trailed off to searching Jerry for a reaction.
Jerry’s hands slowly dropped to his sides at Lucas’s final timid stare and he bowed his head, looking around for some sort of guidance on what to do. What should he say? If he apologized, would Lucas just get more upset and tell him that wasn’t what he wanted to hear? What then? Did he just start explaining why he couldn’t do the things Lucas was asking of him right now? No, wouldn’t that also upset Lucas? His head weaved side to side, eye traveling across the bathroom to everywhere but to Lucas in search of a hint or prompt to get to talking until he caught sight of himself in the mirror.
He was such a mess…
Seeing his reflection made him almost freeze up again but provided that sudden jolt to his panicking thoughts he needed. Hesitantly, he turned his head to look back to Lucas and a moment of clarity let him know he couldn’t do this anymore. Even if it made Lucas upset, he had to say what had been all on his mind, didn’t he? Jery just held Lucas’s timid gaze with his own pained filled emerald green eye for a long silent moment before softly…
“I’m scared… Okay?” he whimpered and he had to take a sharp breath at that moment. “I’m terrified of… Of losing you, and of what might be outside right now. I’m scared of Dorothy, of what her grunts could or will do if they finds us, of what’s going on back home. I’m scared of me, or what I’ll—” He was almost starting to ramble out too fast for his words to be understandable, but his voice caught in his throat. Hysterics wouldn’t get him anywhere, but the more he tried to think of how to word it all, the closer to just exploding in one go he got. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore… I don’t know how to fix it, fix this. No-Not me, but just everything, no um… I mean, I know I can’t fix everything, but…”
Despite how much it burned, he pressed his raw hand to his forehead and the pain provided a moment of being able to try and get his thoughts together more clearly. He began to repeat what Lucas had said in his head again and he gave a hard shrug, rolling his head from his hand and pulling his gaze from the floor to look back at Lucas. “What right do I have to be able to break down like this…?” he softly began, so weak in comparison to Lucas’s previous rant. “… Heh, surprise, I don’t, not after… I fucked up. I really… I re-really fucked up, Lucas. You know, all I wanted, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, ri-right?” he began again, seeming to finally reach a point of properly conveying his thoughts. “Tha-That’s all I ever thought I could need, just making you happy. Because you’re all I have, Lucas, you’re the only one I got left. There’s no family waiting in the background for me to go home to, there’s no magical fairy tale story for me after you. If I ever lost you, it’d be me all over again with nowhere to go, and I-I can’t do that again…” He paused to take in a deep shaky breath. “I… I just thought that if I could protect you, if I could comfort you and make you feel safe and happy, that you-you would be able to really become this amazing person everyone admires. You’d be someone people talk about in history, that’s what I told myself, because I know you could do something worthwhile enough to become y’know… Historical or whatever. You’d have an amazing future of luxury like the prince you are, and I’d be there to keep anyone from ever taking that from you. I’d keep you happy and safe, and it’d be pent house living forever, with enough money to fill a giant Olympic size pool…” He let out a little chuckle, before slowly looking over the bathroom interior.
“But… But here we are…”
He almost laughed at the sight of them now, bringing up his hands in a ‘welp’ kind of shrug. “Standing around, crying in a bathroom in some shitty hotel in the middle of fuck all desert a million miles from home because I couldn’t even do those things” he whispered, starting to crack further and chuckling lightly, before the sobs started to bubble in. His hand moved to tightly clench at his chest despite how much it burned his hand as he tried to catch his breath for a moment as the sobbing chuckles wreaked some havoc on his lungs. His other hand covered the left side of his face. “I mean how badly can one guy screw up everything?” he finally managed after getting back some of his self-control. “Even after I told myself so many times I’d protect you, after telling you and promising you that same exact thing, I couldn’t keep it and you still got hurt… Seeing you in the hospital, barely able to speak…” he had to pause to try and hold himself together, again. “I can’t stand seeing you so tired, or holding you and knowing that you’re so much lighter. It hurts having to remind you to eat, and walking down in the middle of the fucking night to see you up and wandering around because sometimes you’re too scared to even sleep, or something happened that couldn’t let Cat Nap Wonder sleep right anymore. I can’t stand seeing you so broken and not being able figure out how to fix it! I don’t know how to go back to when it was just you and me running around playing pirate and prince and it’s driving me crazy!” He hadn’t even noticed the volume of his voice had risen as he brought his head back up to look at Lucas, desperate for some kind of answer.
“I just want to go back to us being kids again, Lulu, even if it means reliving every needle, every shock, every stab, and every moment of that bastard’s stupid idea of science! I don’t care if I had to lose my eyes a hundred times or set my own face on fire! It was all so much easier when I could leave run away from my problems, leave them behind and come see that you were so happy and perfectly fine. To see you were so excited when we were little and th-that I was part of the reason for it. At least it felt like I was doing something right for once in my damn life! Now I’m… I’m…” he trailed off, before the shaking came back and he let out a weak sob. “I’m sorry, Lulu…” he whined, giving a long pause before he figured he had no choice. Lucas wanted to know, Lucas had to know what he did… “I… I didn’t mean to, it’s just something in me thought fo-for just a moment that if I got rid of him…. If I got rid of all of them, it’d be easier, y’know? They wouldn’t be able to chase us if they were just gone! But it was so wrong, it was so wrong and I-I stopped myself but there was already so much blood. I thought I stopped in time but I became this monster and…” he rambled, hands moving to grab his hair in his hands. He ached all over to the point the burning didn’t even register anymore. “I didn’t even look back, there was no point. I already knew he…” he abruptly trailed off, head bowed, unable to work up the courage to look up at Lucas.
“I fucked up and now all I can see when I sleep is walking across that scene again and again. Every time it’s the same, I just stare at him without so much a care in the world before turning around to you standing there looking scared of me. Me, the-the person that’s supposed to protect you, to give you a reason to not be scared. You’re terrified of me, Lulu… Then you start telling me it’s all my fault, I-I ruined everything and its so hard not to agree. I try to apologize, I’ve tried to think of so many ways to make up for everything I’ve doen, but no matter how hard I apologize it doesn’t feel like enough at all. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, it won’t fix this, it won’t make any of this feel better. It’s my cousin, my family, my past that’s catching up and it’s all hurting you… And now even when I’m trying to keep at least my own stupid problems from hurting you, even they fuck up everything to. I just want to shut it all off, I want all these problems and feelings to go away. I came out here to try and protect you, to make you happy like I always do and it feels like all I’ve done is make everything worst. Every time I try and get closer and closer to you Lulu, I feel like all I do is drag you down into the gutter of bullshit I keep bringing with me everywhere I go.” He finally let go of his hair, tilting his head slowly to the side with a hard sniff.
“I love you, I just want to save you from all this and fix it all… But I know I can’t do it all, and it makes it harder and harder to look at you because I’m so scared of what’s going to happen to us. What you’ll think of me when you know I proved Dorothy right” he explained before slowly looking back at Lucas. “Don’t you ever think it’d just be so much easier if I hadn’t been born? I know it’s stupid to say that, it’s so horribly cliché, really, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I mean, do—do you truly think you’d have half the problems you have right now if you had never met me?” he asked honestly, though it hurt so much to finally have this all being said and out in the open. Everything in his head that he’d never reveal to anyone just suddenly being said for his most important person to hear… To stand there and wait for judgment, for his reaction, for anything – maybe even his nightmare coming true – was excruciating… But this is what Lucas had wanted. It was taking what little he had left to just simply stand and wait, tears rolling in rivers from his eye and sobs getting strangled in his throat.
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Post by Lucas Courtwater on Jan 16, 2015 19:47:37 GMT -5
I'LL BE RIGHT HERE NOW TO HOLD YOU WHEN THE SKY FALLS DOWN
[attr="class","springscrl"]Lucas waited in the silence, watching Jerry reach for him but just lower his hands, watching his expression as the redhead's mind surely raced to take in everything that had been said. Lucas wanted to apologize again, wanted to go back and just be more gentle, to find some other way to say what needed to be said. But was there any other way? Did it get Jerry's attention, did it get through at all? Or just hurt him. The silence was terrible, grating. His lips moved trying to form words but he still couldn't think of any, and finally, Jerry met his gaze and that look silenced Lucas' mind.
"I'm scared . . . Okay?"
The words made Lucas' head snap up a little and grit his teeth, not because the revelation was any sort of surprise but simply because Jerry had finally admitted it and the whimper tore at his heart. Of course he was scared, of course everything that had been happening to them was terrifying. He shouldn't have had to hold that in for so long. He listened, frozen in place as Jerry went on, his shoulders jerking slightly as Jerry said he was afraid of himself, and Lucas knew exactly what he was referring to. They way Jerry started to ramble . . . he knew exactly how that felt, he had been there so many times. He wanted to move forward right then and just touch him to let him know he was there, but he couldn't, his fingers just clenching a little again. Jerry . . . he had to just get all of this out. And maybe this really was the only way.
What right did he have to break down? He had just as much right as anybody else, and more. Lucas didn't know anyone who had suffered as badly as Jerry had, who had lived through so much and still smiled, was still the strong one for other people. Lucas gave a numb little nod as Jerry told him that all he had ever wanted was for Lucas to be happy. He always knew that. It filled him with peace every day, not just because of the things that Jerry did for him, but just that that was what was in his heart. That beautiful, caring spirit of his that found happiness in just seeing Lucas happy - to have someone love him that much and to be so sure of that love? That was what truly made Lucas smile every day. And that's what made this all the more awful, because it was dawning on him that Jerry didn't have that same peace, not in the unshakeable way Lucas held it. And it wasn't because Jerry doubted Lucas, he knew - but he doubted himself. He doubted he deserved what all Lucas wanted to give him - so he hid like this, buried his feelings to try to be worthy of it . . .
Tears clouded Lucas' vision at the thought and he blinked to try to clear them and swallowed a gasp welling up in the back of his throat. Jerry spoke of just wanting to protect him, take care of him, to see him become some honored figure someday. But none of that was even worth it if Jerry wasn't alright, if he was quietly suffering just to make sure Lucas was fine. Didn't he know? That ever since they had found each other again, all Lucas had wanted was to make sure Jerry was safe? That he had food, and clothes, and a place to live? That he would be happy? And taken care of even if Lucas was ever gone? Ever since that day in that abandoned little room, Lucas had just wanted to make sure Jerry always felt like there was someone he could rely on. And Lucas, he had failed, or least not done enough, not been attentive enough to what was going on in Jerry's head all this time. He winced again as Jerry's broken chuckles turned into sobs. And now Jerry was blaming himself for everything that had happened, when if anything they had both gone down this path together. They had made their own choices. Jerry wasn't responsible for Lucas getting hurt - he could do all he could to protect him, but in the end that was all that he really could be asked to do, was try. What happened was beyond anyone's control, and Lucas had never really expected it of Jerry to always keep him safe. Just the fact that it was in Jerry's heart to want to do so that made Lucas feel so secure all the time. He flinched as Jerry's voice rose. He knew what Jerry must feel like, seeing him like this. He knew what it must do to Jerry of all people. And he understood that feeling of just wanting to go back.
There was this harsh, violent tightening in his chest that made Lucas' shoulders hunch in as Jerry talked about how he would live through all the awful parts of his childhood again if he could just have the simplicity of those days back. In Lucas' mind there was only one way to read that and it was that how he had been feeling these past few days and months were somehow worse than what he had faced back then. And Lucas had been blind to it again, or at least underestimated it. He remembered back then so well, how loud and alien and terrifying everything had seemed until Jerry appeared in his life and seemed to just understand. He was all the reason for Lucas' excitement. Maybe that's why Jerry had known exactly what Lucas needed back then. Because he had needed the same things. Just someone who was kind and understanding, someone who wouldn't judge him. Not someone who would point out his insecurities but someone who would accept and give comfort to them. But Jerry was so much more than just the person who made Lucas feel better, and yet that was all he seemed to see.
Jerry apologized, that nickname slipping from his lips and just like every other time Jerry uttered it, Lucas heart stopped, and it didn't take more than a moment to realize Jerry had finally come to what had triggered this final breakdown in the first place. He had never for a moment doubted that what had happened had been either unintentional or necessary to save their lives, and sure enough the first words out of Jerry's mouth were confirmation of that. He hadn't meant to. And even as he went on the explain that part of him had considered the act, Lucas could never bring himself to condemn him for it, not when their lives had been on the line, and not when he insisted that he knew how wrong it was and stopped himself. Just imagining what those moments must have been like, how terrifying and how quickly he had to think, how his thoughts would have been split between his own survival and Lucas' - it was absolutely nightmarish.
"I thought I stopped in time but I became this monster and . . ."
No, no, Jerry don't say that . . . He even edged forward just slightly at that, because the self-loathing that had to be behind those words was more than Lucas could bear to just listen to, and his hands were just this glaring physical reminder of it all. He had called himself a monster once before, back in that abandoned building in Saffron, and all that same pained just washed back over him. How could Jerry possibly be a monster when he clearly felt so much guilt? But that wasn't the end of it, Jerry beginning to describe the nightmares next as he continued to finally unleash the whole of his burdens.
No. His head numbly shaking, every word stinging. This was what was in Jerry's head? That's what he had to try to get through every night? Lucas tried, but he couldn't think of how terrifying that would be, if he had to hear Jerry rejecting him. He would never think that. He would never say those things - he would never be afraid him, not Jerry. This wasn't his fault. What his family did wasn't his fault. All Jerry had done was try to protect him and make him happy, but Jerry gave just the opposite point of view. It hurt. It just all hurt so much to hear that in the place Jerry was, he couldn't even see the good he had done anymore. Jerry was the reason he could still smile so much. The reason he got any sleep at all, the reason he could set aside his fears from time to time and just enjoy the quiet moments with him. The longer he listened the more Lucas wanted nothing more than to just cry out and sob and fall apart for him, but of course he didn't, standing still with just the tears in his eyes and his trembling to give away everything storming inside.
“I love you, I just want to save you from all this and fix it all… But I know I can’t do it all, and it makes it harder and harder to look at you because I’m so scared of what’s going to happen to us." He wasn't putting it on Jerry to save him. That was the thing. He never wanted to force Jerry into the hero role, even though nothing would change the fact that that's exactly what he would always see Jerry as. But that wasn't about keeping him out of danger, it was about just . . . being Jerry. Being that loving, protective, intelligent, charismatic person he was. All Lucas needed was to know that Jerry was there and he was safe. As long as they had each other, in the end, Lucas trusted that the outcome would be alright somehow.
"What you’ll think of me when you know I proved Dorothy right." What had she told him? Was it that time Jerry met her, all those months ago? Had she really been working on him from the start?
“Don’t you ever think it’d just be so much easier if I hadn’t been born? I know it’s stupid to say that, it’s so horribly cliché, really, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I mean, do—do you truly think you’d have half the problems you have right now if you had never met me?”
If there was ever a moment Lucas honestly could have just crumbled and dropped to his knees from the sheer suffocating weight of the emotions he was feeling, the abject rejection of the very idea that that on top of everything else was what Jerry's mind was plagued with, it was right then.
Over the years he had sort of worked out that he didn't feel things quite the same way most people did. There was nothing supernatural about it, it was just . . . more acute. Or pathetic, as he thought of it a lot of the time, though of course Jerry was always quick to dismiss that description. A negative moment in a person's day that they would probably forget instantaneously could cling to Lucas for hours. A criticism that would make another person just roll their eyes and carry on had a way of clawing its way into Lucas' head and making him feel like a failure until he had fixed everything that was wrong. Or on the other side of things, Jerry just doing something as simple as complimenting him on something like how he made breakfast that morning was enough to give him this warm feeling all through him that wouldn't go away.Things that brought joy to some seemed to just bring infinitely more joy to him.
The same worked with pain, though. It made him feel like his bones were being crushed, like he couldn't breathe. Like someone was choking him and smother him at once. That was why, maybe, his first instinct had always been to do exactly what Jerry did and of course told him not to do - and that was hide his feelings. Cover them up so no one would know how fully affected by everything he was. And he was always reserved by nature, anyway, so that wasn't difficult to do. His emotions always showed in more subtle ways that only Jerry and his mother had ever really known how to pick up on.
Just then, though? He really just felt like breaking.
But he didn't. Instead he found himself just slowly stepping forward, over to Jerry. Tears were streaming down his face and his eyes downcast like he was thinking about something, before he reached Jerry and simply rested his forehead against his. His eyes closed, his mind strangely quiet in that moment, he just reached up to take handfuls of Jerry's shirt in his fists, his usual makeshift version of a hug. Another few seconds passed as he took steadying breaths.
". . . D-do you remember back when we first met, what I was like?" he asked softly, voice oddly calm, though there might have been that tiny detectable quiver to it. "I was so scared of everything . . . Not just the dark, or monsters, or the sounds the subway made under the street, but people, too. Crowds, strangers. I could barely look anyone in the eye. R-remember? I'd go to the park everyday because that's where I was supposed to play, but I couldn't even talk to the other kids. I was so sure I was going to say something stupid and they would hate me, or they'd let me play with them but they would push me around. So most of the time I just sat by myself, until you came over." He smiled a little to himself. "I don't think I even said a full, coherent sentence to you until practically when I had to go home. But you understood me anyway. And I forgot how afraid I was, when I was with you. For the first time, I wasn't worrying about if I was messing up." He pulled back then, so Jerry could see he was smiling at him, even through the tears that were still persistently welling up. "If you had never been born, I never would have met anyone else that could be that for me. I-I probably would have learned how to function somehow, b-but not the way you helped me. I could have forced myself to interact, but you were the one who actually helped me grow. We were apart for five years, Jerry, I . . . I know there's no one else who just understands how I feel without me having to try to find the words for it." He shook his head a little. "Without you . . . without you maybe I wouldn't have ever gotten involved with what was going on. But then maybe it would all still be happening, too. Maybe I would have gotten pulled into it somehow anyway. Maybe all of those kids from downtown who joined up with us would have ended up joining other gangs that weren't . . . weren't as nice as ours." He shrugged, and his shoulders shook with it. "I-I don't know about any of that. But . . . but Jerry, if I got to choose be-between going through all this and not knowing you, I would always choose you. I w-wouldn't miss out on just knowing that you exist for anything. You need to exist Jerry. A-and I- I know, if I'd never met you, I wouldn't know what real happiness was really like."
He bowed his head a bit, sucking in a breath and sniffling a little. He shook his head again, still not letting go of Jerry's shirt. He didn't know how to say anything of this. How he kept speaking felt like a miracle. His eyes squinted slightly with a new onslaught of tears as he began again.
"I-I'm sorry, Jerry . . . I-I figured it out. What happened at the house." He sighed. "It-it was when you told me to keep my eyes closed, and that there was something at the bottom of the stairs. I just knew . . . nothing else would make you react like that. A-and I could hear it in your voice, just . . ." He glanced up at Jerry and looked down again. "I knew you couldn't have meant to Jerry. That whatever had happened . . . . that it had been just as awful for you. You're not a- a monster. How could you be . . . how could you ever think you were when it's hurting you like this? Monsters, real monsters . . . they don't think it's wrong, or they know it and they just don't care at all. That's not you. And- and I'm so sorry, I didn't say anything. I just wanted to give you a chance to be ready to talk about it. I never meant to let you go through all this on your own." Finally he raised his head again to smile at him. "I love you, Jerry . . . If you get scared, or make mistakes, or if you can't stop every bad thing from happening to me - it's never going to change that. You-," he choked over the words, "-you don't have to save me from everything. I know you're trying, I know you want to, and that's enough, for me. Just knowing you're here. And if something bad happens, it's not your fault if you couldn't stop it. You're not the one making them do what they do. You're not causing it. You have never dragged me down, ever."
"I-I don't know why you give yourself so little credit. You've always been so amazing to me. I wish you could just see it . . ." His smile grew a little, his loving gaze on Jerry as in that moment he just remembered all the times Jerry had comforted him, all the times he had gone out of his way to make others smile. And all the facets of Jerry that the rest of the world didn't often get to see: his intelligence, his musical talent, the way he had of just trying so hard at what he put his mind to, and the depth of his feeling that only he and his mother had ever really experience first-hand. ". . . see you how I see you, the way you really are, just . . . You're the best person I know, Jerry. I really wish you would believe that."
His grip on Jerry's shirt tightened a little. "So- so let me try, alright? Being there for you like you've always been there for me? Because there's nothing you can say that's going to scare me away or make me think any less of you, and- and we've always done better, together, right? It can be like when you came home, and I'll listen to you, and whatever you need, I- I'll be there. I know . . . I know there's a lot, and maybe we can't fix it right away . . . but you and I could start?"
If he couldn't . . . if there was nothing he could do anymore to help Jerry . . . he knew he would really break right there. He couldn't let another day pass with Jerry alone with those views of himself.
Standing and waiting, standing and waiting, Jerry’s anxiety rapidly spun around like a tornado in his stomach. It was a strong wave of emotion he never dealt with before in a situation like this and he almost just wanted to throw up from that alone. The silence that followed his lengthy confessions, unleashing wave after wave of fears, of feelings and suffering, all on Lucas. Lucas, the one person he never wished to burden. He struggled so hard to stay as composed as he did, but even as he tried, it wouldn’t be enough to stop the occasional sob from slipping out of him. When Lucas didn’t say a word for a period of time, he almost felt compelled to whimper out his prince’s name like a scared child lost in the dark.
But then, a reaction… Lucas slowly began to approach him and Jerry’s heart halted suddenly in his chest. He no longer had a desire to run away or flee, having practically accepted whatever fate Lucas was about to designate him to. Rejection, disgust, hatred, whatever it was, it was what Lucas wanted and he had to accept it. The closer Lucas got, the more obvious the sight of his tears became and habits summoned for Jerry to try and reach up to wipe away those tears. However, he stood still, tensing himself up and bracing for whatever Lucas was about to do. What he didn’t anticipate was Lucas’s forehead lowering to press to his, an act that made Jerry’s eye widen in obvious surprise. A sob nearly slipped out at that level of very obvious affection alone before he finally cracked when hands took a hold of his shirt. Knowing Lucas for so long, the smallest of touches like this being done without prompt were rare and clearly an indication of what Lucas was about to do.
It wasn’t going to hurt, was it…? Lucas wouldn’t do this, he wouldn’t get so close for a rejection of any sort. If anything, Lucas would distance himself if he knew something he was going to say wouldn’t be well received. He wouldn’t get so close if he was going to tell little white lies to make Jerry feel better… Jerry sucked in a deep breath and forced his mouth shut as he watched very closely while Lucas gathered his thoughts. The breath shakily and slowly came out through his nose as he started trying to calm down first – but it was hard. Despite how close he was, Jerry had yet to make a move to hold him back, hesitant to do so. He just quietly watched and waited ever so patiently until Lucas began to ever so softly and calmly speak.
The saddest of small smiles slid across his face as Lucas prompted him to remember his prince when he was but a child. He gave a slight nod at the questions regarding his memory of that phase, assuring Lucas he did indeed recall how nervous Lucas was back then. The story was a bit random though, Jerry wasn’t sure what Lucas’s cowardice had to do with the current situation. Lucas’s timid, scared, and silent nature back then just never bothered him, because he just…
“But you understood me anyway.”
A blink sent the next wave of tears down Jerry’s face but also opened his eye to reveal the disbelief he felt at that comment. Yeah… He understood Lucas, of course he did. It was something he never really thought much about because it just came so naturally to him. Had it really been so important to Lucas all this time that Jerry could do something he had thought was just so simple? The significance of this task in Lucas’s eyes just never occurred to Jerry, not until he saw his best friend lean back and reveal the fact he was smiling. The sight of that smile stole Jerry’s own away for a look of genuine surprise, tears continuing to roll down his cheek as Lucas went on. If he’d never been born… Would there have been anyone else that could have understood Lucas like he did? Yeah, there had to be someone else, right? Maybe his mother? No, no, Regina may have understood Lucas very well, but she couldn’t always be there in the way Jerry was. He rattled his mind for someone else, anyone else, but… Through all the years they’d been together, all the people they’ve met, all of the friends Lucas made while Jerry was gone; not a single one of them seemed to understand his friend as well as he did.
He realized why Lucas had brought that up now, and his look of surprise turned to awe before he gave the slightest of sad and tired smiles when he looped it back to the current situation. Would his friends have become genuine criminals? Undoubtedly. Would Lucas have been pulled into this? Probably… Head slowly bowing as Lucas started to explain he’d choose him every time, even if it meant winding up in this bathroom crying like a couple of dorks, over never having to deal with this, and Jerry’s words just vanished from his mind. The insistence that he needed to exist, that he taught Lucas true happiness had him almost crack and a hard sniffle followed it. Without bringing his head back up, Jerry’s gaze just rested on Lucas’s hands that clutched onto his shirt, his eye watching the slightest of trembles as Lucas braced himself to go on.
This steady growing feel of happiness at the thought of his simple understanding bringing Lucas joy was immediately shot when the other confessed he had actually known what Jerry did this whole time. The words alarmed him, unnerved him. It took a notable amount of will power to not suddenly jerk back and retreat from Lucas. His head ducked down further, trying to retreat into his shoulders and he wondered what in the world Lucas was thinking, just staying with him this whole time if he knew… If he knew what Jerry had done. His head rose up to reveal a pained look as Lucas tried to assure him that real monsters didn’t view it like Jerry did, but part of Jerry wanted to scream. Of course he was! He had to be, he tried to—He almost—No, he did. He did it, Lucas don’t you see that? Jerry held his tongue and listened and slowly bowed his head again.
Real monsters didn’t care at all, and when Jerry looked at the corpse in his nightmares, he just didn’t feel anything. The act and death wasn’t what he was running from, but the thought of Lucas hating him was what haunted his nightmares. In other words, that’s right, Lucas, he was a real monster… He knew it was wrong and the only part of him that felt bad for it was because he was so certain Lucas would abandon him for it. What saved him from resigning entirely to that idea was the fact that Lucas wasn’t abandoning him though. His prince certainly wasn’t praising him, but he wasn’t kicking him out the door and that was enough to calm his worries. Killing people would never be acceptable in Lucas’s eyes, and as Lucas explained he just wanted to give Jerry the chance to explain himself, Jerry’s gaze rested a solemn look on Lucas’s hands. No, he’d never do that again, no matter how easy it would be to just get rid of everyone that tried to hurt his precious Lucas Courtwater, he wouldn’t allow himself to give into those monsters inside his head, again. For Lucas’s sake, and his own, he’d refuse to allow himself to stoop that low, again.
“I love you, Jerry . . .”
After accepting himself in the previous manner for what he was, those words kind of jarred him and Jerry’s gaze came back up for a small look of surprise once more. He’d heard those words hundreds upon thousands of times by now. But in this moment, it was suddenly like Lucas had never said them before. After everything, after this long past week, it was like hearing Lucas say “I love you” for the first time and the words that followed him saying it started to melt through him. His head began to bow again to hide his face when Lucas’s smile grew. With Lucas’s loving gaze and the grip on Jerry’s shirt tightening ever so slightly, Jerry gradually was reduced to just putty in Lucas’s hands. Remaining silent the whole time Lucas spoke the longest stream of words Jerry had ever heard from him in all their years, Jerry gradually brought his head up once he finished to reveal a teary eyed, tired, but warm and loving expression. With a hard sniffle, he just stepped forward to suddenly pull Lucas into him and hug him tightly. Nuzzling his head against his, Jerry didn’t utter a word for a few minutes. He just wanted to absorb this whole moment, and carefully think before he’d speak.
Jerry leaned back slowly after a lengthy pause and rested his forehead back against Lucas’s once more, the tears still streaming from his eye – but not nearly as much as before. He gave a small smile, both sad and happy from what Lucas had said. He tried to talk, but could only open his mouth and let out a small weak chuckle as his nerves rattled him a bit. After another moment to gather his senses, he sniffled a bit loudly and gently spoke “… We already started, Lucas.” He brought his head up to lean up and press a soft kiss to Lucas’s forehead before closing his eye and resting his forehead back against his. A small sob almost came out but he swallowed it back and a small shiver crawled down his back instead. After that, his eye opened just a crack, admiring Lucas with a loving gaze once more. “All because of you, we started… I’m sorry, old habits die hard but…” he trailed off, considering his words. “I’ll work on being more open about these things with you, I’ll let you try. Maybe… Maybe I might better understand how you see me if I do” he gently joked, closing his eye and almost letting out another sob. It came out as a shaky chuckle again and his head slid from Lucas’s forehead and back to resting on his prince's shoulder, again.
There was a long pause as he just simply held onto Lucas again, relishing in the familiar comforting warmth of his friend, before softly adding on “I love you, too, Lucas…” His grip tightened slightly as a sob finally slipped out. “I love you so much and tha-that… All you just said mea-means more than I can explain right now but just…” He struggled suddenly with his words, the sob escaping throwing him off his previous calmness. After a moment, he weakly whimpered “Thank you.”
NOTES
I really hope this post does the trick also SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
IF I FALL HERE AT LEAST YOU KNOW MY DEAR THAT I WOULD DIE FOR YOU I PROMISE BABE YOU WON'T EVER YOU WON'T EVER FEEL A THING
Lucas understood Jerry more than he ever let on. Lucas' disposition was such a simple and oftentimes oblivious one that at times it was impossible to tell whether he was really as lost as he appeared or just keeping things to himself. But in the way that Jerry knew him, at his best and worst and down to the core, Lucas knew him in turn. And for all the things about Jerry that the other tried to hide in order to keep the burden off of Lucas, Lucas knew that there were other things that Jerry kept down out of pure shame. Things that, Lucas feared, should they be revealed, the pain of having them known might outweigh the pain of keeping them secret. So he had never said anything. In some ways having them unspoken seemed just as important if not more so than discussing them - the words sometimes just weren't needed. But sometimes he wondered if they were.
They had been together for the better part of fifteen years. Lucas wasn't one for lying to himself, and he wasn't stupid or nearly as oblivious as anyone besides Jerry might guess. There were things about Jerry that weren't right. Love hadn't blinded him enough to completely deny that. Jerry had criminal tendencies, he had impulses he tried to make sure Lucas never picked up on, he had . . . an internal moral code that mimicked but didn't quite match that of the average person. And it was only Lucas' view of his own self-worth that kept him from fully acknowledging how vital he personally was to that code. He couldn't accept that he was anywhere near worthy enough of being essentially Jerry's conscience, though part of him understood that that was more or less exactly what he was.
But Jerry couldn't change those aspects of himself - well, except perhaps the pickpocketing but that wasn't really the core of the issue - and Lucas had never judged him for them. What counted to him were the things Jerry did choose, the things he knew Jerry would never do, the amazing things Jerry did and the desire he had to try to be better than he saw himself. Jerry was and would alway be amazing to him, because through his whole life, through everything that had happened to him and the parts of him that could have been setbacks, Jerry was still this warm, loving, emotional person who protected people and tried to make them happy.
So, Lucas knew there were things he could have said better or could have clarified more, even subtly, so that Jerry really understood how he felt. He could tell just by Jerry's body language and expressions that some things might have hit him more than Lucas meant them to. But to see, at the end of it, Jerry finally bring his head back up with that genuine expression of love and warmth, was enough to tell that he had said something right, and the relief just washed over him with the desire to start crying all over again from joy.
Pulled into Jerry's arms, he let out a clipped, happy part of a gasp, leaning into the hug and slowly bringing his hands up to hold around Jerry's back. He was quiet, but in his mind was a stream of thank yous, over and over for him being able to say something right, for Jerry smiling again, for something good happening, and prayers that it would continue to get better. Just having Jerry hold him after the other had looked for so long like he wanted to run away meant so much.
Tears still slipping out of his own eyes, his tired but adoring smile warmed again as Jerry's rested his forehead back against his. Their eyes would be so swollen in the morning. No stranger for being at a loss for words, just waited patiently as Jerry tried to get himself together to speak, practically humming with warmth for him at the moment. He nodded slightly as Jerry assured they had already started, his confidence in that only building as Jerry kissed his forehead and brought his head back to rest against his own again. It all felt real again, not Jerry trying to keep up a front. The promise Jerry gave was more than enough. He knew it wouldn't be easy for Jerry to be so open - Lucas still tried to hide the depth of his own anxiety often enough, though Jerry usually saw right through him - but just hearing that he would work on it and let Lucas try to help him more was a good enough first step to him. He nodded slightly again, muttering, "Okay," practically under his breath.
Lucas pressed his head to Jerry's as he rested on his shoulder, more than happy to just let the other hold him for as long as he wanted. Lucas' arms still hung loosely around him, clutching the shirt at his back. Glad for the warmth and just to feel like Jerry was really there with him again, instead of present but internally locked away.
The sounds of the sobs that escaped Jerry as he spoke made Lucas sniff a little and start trying to slow his own tears to better reassure Jerry. His words just made Lucas feel motivated to just do so much more for him. He never wanted Jerry to forget how deeply he felt for him. Pressing his head into him again, adjusting his grip so he held Jerry at least a little tighter, he nodded again at the thanks.
"A-always, Jerry," he assured quietly. Anything for the person he loved the most, that deserved so much more than life had offered him. "I'll always be right here with you . . . I-I love you so much more every day I'm with you, just . . . I'll always help you." He let out a soft chuckle, just holding him quietly for a bit longer before he would start to raise his head up and blink at the harsh brightness of the bathroom. He turned to Jerry, still speaking softly. ". . . Let's get you back in bed, alright . . . ? I-I'll try to do something for your hands, maybe cold damp towels on them?" There were some extra hand towels in one the room's baskets that might do the trick for at least a little relief. Then he planned on just staying up with Jerry for however long needed and probably just dozing off together as was their habit. At the moment it just didn't even cross his mind to leave Jerry's side for a moment longer than necessary.
NOTES
Preciousboys. Allthecharacterdevelopment.
When your tears are spent on your last pretense And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.
To be open with Lucas about his feelings, this was the promise he made. To try and not carry the burdens alone anymore, it was such a strange concept to him, but this is what his prince wanted. The walls to stay lowered to him, to be in touch with what was weighing on Jerry’s mind. After laying all of it out on the table to his precious blond, Jerry would have thought Lucas would perhaps be overwhelmed or something, but Lucas absorbed it all like a sponge and consoled him so perfectly. When it ever came to a time like this, Jerry had imagined it over and over in his head. Lucas looking sad, horrified, having all these feelings Jerry would never wish for him to experience, and struggle to even fathom words to say in response to what weighed Jerry down so often. He was certain Lucas would scramble to try and find ways to fix things that just couldn’t simply be fixed so easily which would in turn leave his friend feeling helpless in some way. The kind of weight and burdens to suddenly drop on Lucas’s shoulders and make him potentially feel like that, Jerry hated the very idea…
But now here he was, embraced so gently in Lucas’s grasp and his friend hadn’t fallen into sorrow and hopelessness with him. If anything, in this moment, Lucas was a the pillar of strength between them, the rock for Jerry to rest against. He had once more become Jerry’s hope in these dark hours. It almost made the redhead laugh at how Lucas always managed to do this at just the right moment. However, he was a bit too tired to do that right now, so he settled for the slightest twitch upwards of the corner of his mouth. To come and pull him from his despair when Jerry was so certain there’d be no way to save him, Lucas did this so many times; a few times without even realizing it, Jerry suspected. Funny enough though, this was probably the first time Lucas got even the slightest bit angry at him, but Jerry couldn’t blame him. It was surprising how Jerry could ramble like any optimist but his inner self was always quite the pessimist, wasn’t it? What luck that Lucas would have enough optimism to make up for that, thankfully. He’d have to work on letting that optimistic view rub off on him more often, he guessed.
Relaxing in Lucas’s grasp as the blonde’s arms slid around him even tighter and Jerry closed his eye to listen closely to the words his friend uttered. Like the music that soothed the angry beast, as Lucas softly spoke, Jerry just began to melt into him and nodded slowly to show he heard and understood. The suggestion to go to bed had Jerry slowly pull his head from Lucas’s shoulder finally and he gave a quiet sniffle. His eye stared at Lucas’s shoulder for a moment, before slowly he’d turn his head to look at Lucas with an obvious exhausted and vulnerable look. Swallowing and gathering himself, he pulled at the last of his energy reserves to offer a small warm smile that spread to his eye. The look becoming very loving and all focused on Lucas. “… Bed sounds nice” he quietly answered, before pulling an arm from around Lucas to study his bright red hand. He’d almost forgot how much his hands ached and burned until now that he looked at one of them again. “And cold damp towels, yeah. Just wrap ‘em up like mittens or somethin’” he mumbled, before looking back over at Lucas.
“… You mind if I crash in your bed, tonight? I think we’d both sleep a bit better like that” he gently prompted, slowly letting go of Lucas in a silent sign that he was going to listen and go to bed the moment he had the answer. Although, he knew what Lucas would say, it was a bit more pleasing to hear his friend actually give permission for it and be happy at the idea.
NOTES
jerrykins would like bed time now plz
IF I FALL HERE AT LEAST YOU KNOW MY DEAR THAT I WOULD DIE FOR YOU I PROMISE BABE YOU WON'T EVER YOU WON'T EVER FEEL A THING
The vulnerable, but so adoring look from Jerry when he finally lifted his head from Lucas' shoulder only made Lucas' heart melt even more. You would think that at some point the amount of devotion he felt for this man would eventually reach capacity, that he would stop being struck again and again by how much he loved him and was loved in return, but it never seemed to happen. With Jerry in such a state, rather than see weakness Lucas just found more of a desire to be there and care for him. Not the exhaustion or the haziness that sometimes fell over his mind could stop that.
With a vaguely concerned look as he glanced down at Jerry's hand, Lucas nodded at his friend's words and met his gaze again. Absently he wondered if they were safe enough for now, if they could take a day or two's rest after this. Maybe find someplace a little nicer to stay, even camping out, just somewhere peaceful where they could just be next to each other.
Lucas let Jerry start to draw away, happy to see that he would go lie down, and he smiled brightly at the request. Of course Jerry never even needed to ask. More often than not they somehow ended up curled up together, and almost always sleeping better that way. And on this night more than most they needed it. "Of course, Jerry. I'll be right there." He smiled again, another one of those gentle, absolutely adoring smiles that were just for Jerry. He even reached out once more, just to carefully squeeze Jerry's wrist well clear of the hurt part of his hand, before nodding for Jerry to go on. Once Jerry had headed for bed, Lucas would get to work finding the towels and getting them dampened in the sink before going back out into the room.
NOTES
Just wait until Iceburgh cuddle sessions Lucas.
When your tears are spent on your last pretense And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.