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Name: Dayton Anahi Raymer Alias:Shadow Age: 22 Gender: Male Sexual Orientation: Female Region: Born in Hoenn, Raised in Sinnoh, Now lives in Nue region Class: Trainer Occupation: Construction worker (Partnered with Daxton)
DIRECTORY & OOC INFO
Directory Info: [size=3][b]DAXTON[/b][/size] [url=link to application][b]Dayton Anahi Raymer[/b][/url] Face claim: [b]Devil May Cry[/b] - Vergil Sparda, [i]Raymer, Dayton[/i]
Continuity: Original Character Daxton Amari Raymer, Farial Gudbrand Chimere, Ylva Mandara
OTHER INFORMATION
Dayton suffers from Delusions of the world around him. Sometimes he sees them as visions, considering that they seem to hint for what they want him to do from time to time. The only person Dayton will truly trust is Daxton. Any other person he deems useful, he will befriend them and then betray them when he's done with them, maybe even try to kill them. He has two triggers. When he spots someone in a white lab coat, he'll freak out. The reaction is various and depends on how close the other person is to him. This trigger is a slow onset, and can usually take several minutes before he either goes into fight or flight. His other trigger is the Pokemon Hypno. On sight of this Pokemon, Dayton will make an attempt to flee the area. This is due to it being the only actual Pokemon that attempts to prey on him in his delusions as well as thanks to it appearing in his delusions multiple occasions throughout his childhood He lives in Iceburgh city with his brother, Daxton.
While he does suffer from delusions, certain things that they have shown to him have led Dayton to believe that he is some kind of prophet. Ranging from what to do or how to kill someone, he thinks that he is somehow forshadowing the future and that he is truly a genius. This certain trait about him makes Daxton fairly irritable from time to time. Dayton feels that he can relate to ghost type Pokemon due to them being the only horrific thing he can see that others can see as well.
HELPFUL HINTS
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PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS
Are there any physical attributes people should take notice of? Do they have piercings, a tattoo? scars etc. You may also write out a description if you'd like but it's not necessary.
Torture Scar running along his right lateral Abdomen.
Light scars down his back.
6'2 and a scar on his leg.
PERSONALITY
Provide a sentence or two for each trait to describe your characters personality. You can also list a few likes or dislikes; How do they treat their opponents during battle, or do they care for the Pokemon under their wing?
Paranoia is one of the strongest traits about Dayton. His childhood and his delusions lead for him to trust no one except for his twin brother Daxton.
Anger is a subtle part of Dayton's personality. It doesn't take much to make him angry, but he is good at hiding it. He'll exact his revenge when the person who made him angry least expects it.
Caring is another part of Dayton's personality which is not easily seen. He cares greatly for his brother and Pokemon, specifically ghost types, as he feels he can relate to them in a sense.
Meticulous and Cunning. Dayton will make sure that any plans he makes have no holes or as little holes as possible in them. As well as making sure that he knows all that he can know about who or what he is after. He will take his time and never get in a hurry when it comes to getting any kind of criminal act done. This sometimes also applies to cleaning his room.
Socially withdrawn. He's introverted and will only initiate a social conversation if he deems the other person useful to his plans. He will try to "Befriend" them, then dispose of them when he's finished.
Ambitions: Dayton hopes that one day, he can find his torturers and bullies, only to make an example out of them in the worst ways possible. All because of what they did to him when he was a child. He also dreams of one day finding Giritina, or if he has to, Yveltal and capturing them. Only to turn around and use them in an attempt to wipe out humanity for it's cruelty. Dayton also has a light side goal of gaining access of a remote location, and using it to house, protect and heal ghost type Pokemon.
POKEMON
You start out with 2 Pokemon unless your Class in the Guidebook states otherwise. You may also include the Newbi Nook if it applies. Imports can have a total of 10 pokemon 5 of them being rares, and if you are importing a rare Pokemon, please place this next to their sprite:
[Daxton and Dayton were tragically separated by Dayton’s mental instability as children. Dayton played calmly in the sand on the beaches of Dewford, looking at his brother, then to his worn out father… then to their mother, who seemed to be eyeing him sadly. He blinked at her with his blue-grey like eyes and groaned, his world spinning around him. Dayton felt a delusion begin to set in with him, bringing his reality down to another sick, twisted brutality. These delusions seemed to be a common place thing, occurring when he least expected it, or occurring when something seemed to trigger it. But he couldn’t figure any of that out, his child’s mind swirled to find out what was going on when they did happen. He blinked rapidly, trying to get the red skies to fade away. He fell backwards in the sand and started crying out for his mother. But when he opened his mouth, he was quickly silenced in his head by a strange figure placing a hand over his mouth. Tears ran down his face when he tried to swipe the pointy faced creature away from him. The face came into appearance as a Hypno tilted his head, smiling down at him. When it bore its sharp teeth at him, its face peeled away and its jaws unhinged to let out a vicious roar, making Dayton try to cry out once more, begging for his mother to come over and take him away from the creature that was torturing him. He struggled and flailed in something that only looked like he was just throwing a temper tantrum in the sand, but was really a fight for his life in his head. Dayton watched his mother run over, white wings folded behind her, her entirety bathed in a golden light. “Lumia”, he heard his father, Dakota, cry out. There was a look of panic on her face as she raced over to him with his father. This was the first time this had happened in front of his parents and it made them panic, thinking he was being thrown into a seizure. A Flareon and a Jolteon wavered with his vision as they ran over as well, trying to comfort the panicking boy with face licks and whines. He cried out loudly and reached his arms forward swiftly, grabbing onto his mother, face stained red with tears streaking down his cheeks. He closed his eyes tightly and felt his body being lifted off of the ground and an arm cradling beneath him, holding him close. When she cooed light words to him, they fell softly on his ears, making him relax some. When Dayton opened his eyes, the world was back to normal and he was in their home, being laid down on the couch as his father brought over a pack of ice, wrapping it in the red wristbands he wore when he left for work. His parents let him rest for a while before coming over to him.
“Dayton honey” Lumia spoke gently, gaining his attention affectively, making him smile when she smiled at his reaction.
She asked him what was wrong, if everything was OK; even if there was something he wanted to talk about while she sat next to him, sitting on the floor while he slowly relaxed more and more into the couch’s soft cushions. His young emotions couldn’t hold it anymore and he broke down. Telling her everything he’s seen, trying to describe the Hypno, the tortured people who would appear time to time and even the occasional dismembered bodies that would appear in pools of blood. She blinked quietly and looked over to Dakota, who was holding the ice to his head still, looking at him the same way his mother was. Several hours passed and all the young boy could do was hold Daxton’s hand and watch his parents sit around a table, talking to each other in low tones, obviously trying to not look over towards the boys on the couch. It wasn’t long before the room darkened and he opened them to the scene of being carried out towards the docks of Dewford. Daylight covered the trees in an orange tint and that was when he realized that he had been asleep. When the boat came into view, he was passed into a nurse’s hands. It hadn’t taken long for the behavioral hospital in Sinnoh to send a nurse their way when they heard about Dayton’s case, and about their transportation issues. Dayton rolled his head with drowsy eyes towards his parents. His father’s Jolteon and his mother’s Flareon howled quietly, sitting at their master’s feet. He noted his parents bidding him good bye, telling him that they loved him and that this was the best for him. What was the best for him? Where was he going and who was this lady? He cried a bit and finally fell asleep again, too tired to fight off the nurse.
Dayton’s head was spinning and he couldn’t bring his eyes to focus on the lights in front of him. He groaned at the soft, vivid white light above his bed and turned his head to the side, looking at the colorful tiles; decorated in fun little patterns, although covered in Pokemon he never found to be among his favorites. The smiling Oddish and that very annoying looking Sylveon playing in the fields just bugged him to no ends. His eyes wandered past the fake, little Flabebe inspired flowers, finding that there was a window across his room, and by the looks of it, it was plastic, and it didn’t look like it was the kind that opened. He sat up some and a white blanket fell off of him, landing around his knees in a hump. The boy reached forward and grabbed onto his blanket covered toes, stretching some with a groan. The blue-gray and very tired eyes wandered around the room and he finally noticed that this wasn’t their rustic little home on the outskirts of Dewford, this was somewhere totally different and he had no clue where he was. Dayton’s jaw quivered and tears started to form in his eyes, blurring his vision. When he hiccupped and closed his eyes, hoping to somehow wake up back home, a bright flash crossed his vision. His mind was beginning to warp reality again, but this time, there was nothing in the room. The walls were blood red, fleshy, and beating, just like a heart, and the fake flowers with flabebe on them began to hum an ominous and dissonant chord rocking slowly… back and forth. He began to cry out some, looking around the room and back to the window. He jumped from the now blood covered bed and felt his bare feet hit the cold floor, instantly making his mind turn the blood splattered floor into a river of dead bodies, Cold and lifeless, but somehow, an occasional “Help me” escaped the flooring. Much more fearful and now crying louder, he ran over to the window and jumped up to look outside, noticing strange looking Pokemon he’d never seen before looking up at him. He blinked tears out of his eyes when he saw a Duskull and Ghastly look up at him, eyes full of peaked interest. Dayton waved down to them; his mind was now beginning to change back to a normal state due to the sight of those intriguing and gentle looking Pokemon. Trees stood up to their full height, instead of drooping over and regrew their leaves. The room shifted back to its soft white state, the flabebe now smiling again and the floor once again covered with a colorful tile. Dayton had just receded back onto his bed, face streaked in tears when a nurse finally came into the room, talking gently to him and approaching him cautiously. When she got close enough without seeing him recoil, she took advantage of this and sat down on his bed, stroking his white hair and holding his hand with her free hand. He didn’t know who she was and it made him cry out a little more. “I want my momma and papa! Give them back!” He may have been a book smart boy, and academically accomplished. But a child was a child and in his mind, he had just been kidnapped… that justified his actions enough. “Your momma and papa sent you here for a little while. They know that we can help you get those scary monsters to go away.” He watched her lips move and glanced back upwards to her eyes, wiping his face with his one free hand. She seemed nice enough to him, and the other nurses moving in kept their distance. One was holding a clipboard while another waved happily towards him with a “good morning sweetie.”
He spent the rest of the day following these women around, walking down the white hall ways, looking at the colorful painted pictures on the walls as he walked quietly. There were several other kids there that were eying him darkly, some didn’t pay any mind to the other kid walking by and some were rocking back and forth quietly. The one nurse holding his hand put him on a scale and stuck a strange stick under his tongue, telling him that he’s just the right temperature and “that’s why you must be so cute. You’re so healthy.” He whined a bit though when they pulled a strange vial looking thing from a plastic bag. One of them even asked him what his favorite Pokemon was. He answered with “Phantump” and it made them blink some, one nodding to the doctor and leaving. The nurses saw him make a face and start to scoot away when the doctor pulled out a needle, so one of them walked over and asked him if she could have a hug, and if he wanted a sucker for being such a good boy. The distraction didn’t work long until one nurse ran back and walked over to him, pulling out a Phantump plush, holding it out slowly, and attempting to get his attention. Luckily, it worked, snagging his attention away from the doctors using a numbing agent and sticking him with a needle. They drew blood with little to no complication…this time.
From six years old to ten, Dayton had spent two years in that hospital. They hadn’t been very good ones either. Whenever the nurses turned their backs, the bullies would crawl out of their shadows and prey on him, but it didn’t really become a big problem until recently, where even in school, they would shove him to the ground. Dayton pined for whatever it was that kept him locked down to earth when he first came there. He didn’t know what it was anymore, he wasn’t sure of anything anymore. There must have been something that helped him hold his ground, keep his head up but he couldn’t remember what it was. The delusions had shoved a sense of fear into him, and he was now much too fearful to dig through his mind for what was once his savior. The nurses kept making faces at him, looking concerned. He would go to the windows in his room or in the lobby and look out of them, not really responding to anything anyone had to say for the most part. And that got worse as time went by. He couldn’t find any sanctum from these crazy kids and his delusions, so he found his peace in a gentle place in his mind. He would sit in his room, legs crossed and leaning against the wall. He couldn’t find out why those kids wanted to hurt him so much, as well as all of those strange men in white robes. Dayton took a deep breath and closed his eyes, finally relaxing his eyebrows after kicking the thoughts of his “attackers” out of his mind. He felt the sweet sensation of floating as he finally fell into sleep, waking up to a calm space in his mind. When he looked around, he found that he was surrounded by a roomy clearing, occasional mossy boulders rose up from the ground and there was a mountain range surrounding the area, their peaks raising above the clouds in several places, snow topped. There was a space in the center of all the trees where water flowed into a pond. The water was luminescent and glowing a bright, Aquamarine color. He closed his eyes in a tight focus and stepped into the water, and when he opened them, he found his self on a floating island, almost above the clouds. The clouds rolled only about twelve feet above the island and cut through the tops of the fully bloomed Cherry blossom trees. The island had a large rock in the center, where water ran out of it and down a few more before gently pooling at the bottom and running off of the edge. A relaxed smile crossed his face as he took a step towards the glowing, pooled water. Though his mind started to twist, even in his dreams, luckily though, armed with his happy place and in his sleep, he had enough strength to fight this delusion off… he hoped. He looked down into the aquamarine water, which had now begun to take on a blood red color, staining his feet and ankles red. The clouds turned red and thunder boomed with anger, raining the red liquid as well. He closed his eyes and cried out angrily, trying to shake off the fear beginning to set into him. He looked down into the water again and where his face was, he saw a shape taking form right over his shoulder. He grew cold with fear and clenched his fists, recognizing instantly what was beginning to form. The hypno’s face took full shape and its eyes flashed red. It reached its hands up above its head and began to move downwards towards Dayton’s head with an open mouth. Screaming out a blood-curdling cry, he turned to face the Hypno. Fear had taken over his peaceful dream now, but it was replaced with brief confusion. Someone waved a slow backhand through the Hypno, leaving a shocked look on the Pokemon’s face, and was reaching towards Dayton slowly. He backed up some, but was shocked with the hand as it just waved the Hypno off; making it dissipate into a plume of smoke that quickly joined the clouds and faded from his mind. The clouds turned white again and the skies blue, the blood faded from Dayton’s button up shirt and purple-grey shorts. He looked at the water quickly, noting that it was once again an aquamarine glow. Dayton remembered that there was another person there and quickly returned his eyes to spot a tall, lean kid. His white hair blew gently in the wind, and he looked back at Dayton with strong, blue-grey eyes, just like his own. He wandered his eyes to find that he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and had a lazy posture, following down to his slightly baggy, steel colored cargo shorts. His black and red skater shoes were loosely tied and his black socks were ankle socks, barely showing above the already ankle level shoes. A light silver glow faded down from the other child’s body and he gave Dayton a cocky smile. Dayton recognized the other boy as the one person he had forgotten about. Daxton, his twin brother came to him in his dream… which was much more likely to make him think he was some kind of prophet, but that didn’t matter. Out of excitement, Dayton ran forward and grabbed onto Daxton, bringing him into a powerful hug. They spent what felt like hours together, jumping off of the island and landing safely on the ground below and playing in the orchard of his happy place, before it was quickly cut off by a shaking feeling and him waking up to several nurses. Apparently, they came to check on his supposed screaming and woke him up to see if he was OK. It sucked, it seemed like any nice thing for him in this nut house was always cut short by these people in white. Grabbing onto his slightly worn, stuffed Phantump, he rolled to the side and pulled a blanket over his shoulder, insisting he was OK.
Dawn broke through his window and a brilliant orange glow lit up his room. He heard the nurses going door to door, waking up the children that were in good enough mental shape at the time to go to school. The other children laughed and got ready, some of them only affected by severe ADHD. Or as he preferred to call it “Annoy Dayton HD”, but it was just a thought when he walked out of his room and the others gave him a strange look, still not sure of what to think of his “delusions”. He gave them a dead stare back, taking the back pack handed to him by the nurses as they ushered them towards the elevator.
His eyes wandered with dread around the brightly colored classroom as he recognized a delusion beginning to start up. He narrowed his eyes and shook his head some in slight anger when he noticed that it was focused on the other children. It was a good thing that he had already mastered the entire course for the year, because the teacher’s voice was now an agonizing cry of pain. The other children fell dead in the classroom and he stared at them all emotionlessly, even as two stood up and began to wander over to him. He was used to these delusions now, and they hardly ever scared him anymore; only doing so whenever the delusion was brought on by extreme pain or fear. When the other children neared him, he noticed that the teacher had left the classroom now and what for, he didn’t know. But the other children grabbed him and pulled him forward and out of his seat with anger, their voices only sounding like howls of a Mightyena that just got its leg ripped off by an Ursaring or something.
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Typically I come across apps that have a one or two little questionable sections in the history that I’m content to overlook or not nitpick too much at. However with a history that goes over so much detail but there’s a lot of issues and questionable sections that really really needs to be covered and explained more thoroughly, I feel it’s best I ask you to go back through and re-read and review what you’ve written. Especially since you’ve expressed interest on the sides of making this character for a novel, I feel like you may benefit from a more thorough look over.
First of all, the history needs to better explain who is who; it took me two reads of the first paragraph to realize Dakota was the twins’ father and Lumia was their mother. This issue of not being very clear on who is who comes around again when you just suddenly introduce Dayton as Charles instead. You never specifically state that Charles is Dayton, just with a different name; you just leave it for the reader to assume.
Pick a perspective and stick to it. This story starts out from Third Person Omniscient perspective, in which the Narrator is all-knowing and is not just limited to Dayton/Charles’s perspective. This narrative style would be very much ideal for the whole course of the history because after his baby days, you switch from Omniscient to Limited, which only allows the readers to be limited to what is going on in Dayton/Charles’s perspective, which leaves a lot of unexplained facts. (You also had brief moments of First Person that should be italicized or something to show it’s just Dayton’s thought process) Go back through and write from a more all knowing perspective and your history will make a lot more sense over all.
Make sure to keep it simple, too. There is a lot that goes on in Dayton’s history and there is a lot of things he’s gone through despite just being twenty-two-years-old. While it’s fun to imagine characters having a lot of tragic moments in their life, cool epic scenes and intense situations, if you add too much to the pot, you run into the issue of just simply having too much and effectively ruining the character in the process. I’ll point out parts that I’d recommend flat out cutting from the history because it really adds nothing to Dayton but just probably seemed like a cool thing to add.
Finally, minus the brief confusion at the beginning, the next paragraph is also confusing in it feels jerky. I’m going to avoid too much nit picking on the details regarding Dayton’s beginnings, but stress that you should try to read your writing out loud or at least give it another good legitimate read. There’s a lot of awkward phrasing that could probably be easily fixed with a review of the whole piece. There’s sections that simply don’t relate to each other or simply jump around with no flow that can result in a lot of confusion.
Suggestions are blue, questions are pink. Things I really like will be noted in gold.
Psychopath. Dayton will sit back and evaluate his situations. He will, very calmly and meticulously, thread a plan to acquire what he wants, doing his best to make sure there will be no loose ends and that there are no holes.
Doing on brief detour to check Dayton's personality, I'd suggest trading out Psychopath for Thorough, Strategic, Cunning, etc. Psychopathy is not just a personality trait but an actual mental condition.
Now to get to the actual context of Dayton’s history, I’m going to try to avoid nit picking but just cover a few areas that confuse or concerned me regarding how it was handled or written.
Most of my concerns regarding Dayton/Charles are something that may work a bit better if he was actually a fair bit older when the history starts regarding his strange behavior. I’d recommend starting more around the age of ten-years-old instead of six-years-old.
Some chuckled darkly, others continued floating…. Some seemed, Disgusted.
Why do they look at me like that? They look at me just like the strange humans that come through the orphanage do…
“Charles! Honey! It’s getting late! Come inside!”
There it was again, that haunting call to… “Come inside” Like he was welcome… it didn’t feel like he was welcome, it didn’t feel like he was welcome anywhere. Something was always gnawing on him, whenever people looked at him, he felt as if they were judging… expecting more out of him. He reluctantly walked inside, feeling the eyes of the other children pry on him. If they weren’t looking at him, they were certainly afraid of him, they never wanted to play, or include him in their silly “games.”
I’m curious, is Dayton/Charles’s belief that other humans look at him with disgust and are always judging him part of his delusions, or is that the reality of his situation?Again, switching the narrative of this history to an all-knowing one in order to specify what is real and what is just in his head would be helpful. Side note on something I noticed; humans don’t typically refer to other humans as well… “humans”. It’s more common for fantasy beings to do this, while in other types of fiction humans just call other humans “people”. (Just wanted to cover that because I believe you’re rather into fantasy but this is a Pokémon site, not fantasy)
Also, nothing said so far explains why the other children in the orphanage are scared of Dayton/Charles. If anything, he just seems to be quiet and reclusive, not scary or intimidating. I’d just state that he’s ostracized for his silent nature rather than feared, it has the same effect on the psyche of feeling separated and alone from those around you.
The alarm clock rang and the voice that was gentle to the other children scraped in his mind like nails on a chalk board, like a demon, tempting him to come to her so she could feed on his sorrow.
“It’s time to go to school kiddies! Get out of bed and get ready!” She chirped heartily to the air. But in Charles’s head, it was a call of a mermaid, drawing you in just to devour you later. He groaned in dread and pulled his self out of bed, grabbing some of the rags that they called clothes there… but it didn’t matter to him, this day would end just like all the other school days.
Again, I feel myself confused on whether or not this is intended to be a metaphor or part of his delusions. If it’s just a metaphor, why does he think she just seems to have it out for him? The way the orphanage’s caretaker has been written, she just seems like a nice woman to them. There’s nothing so far to show why she’d just grate on his nerves so much.
The other students taunted him. It was beyond Charles’s understanding of how other humans could be so cruel to their own kind.
This sounds more like fantasy writing, just switch it more to “how people could be so cruel to others”.
He was being picked up. Oh, whatever cruel thing that was watching him, what were they going to do?! He flinched in terror, opening his eyes to see that there were teachers around him, tending to his bloody nose as one carried him back to the office. Gratitude… it was something he was supposed to feel? He was supposed to thank these people? No, they just wanted to make sure the reputation of their school wasn’t tainted by the everyday happenings of the “play” ground. As much as he wanted to break into tears, he kept a stoic face as the nurse looked him over, rubbing alcohol on his face. “Are you ok honey?” “Just fine ma’am”
Dayton is a bit young to understand why teachers may pretend to be kind to him for the sake of the school’s reputation. If he was more along the age of ten-twelve, this may be a bit more believable. A different way to go about his distrust of the faculty could simply be the fact they have failed to provide him a safe environment to learn in. That there were times in his youth he tried to quietly call for their help, but the teachers turned a blind eye on accident or simply didn’t notice his suffering and he twisted it into believing that they simply did not give a damn about him and they started trying to help when it was too late.
“Did those bullies pick on you?” There it was again! Rage prickled inside of him at the stupid question. He was in there almost every day! And here they were, pretending that it was a new thing! He wanted to bite her, hit her, and hold her head underwater! He was tired of the sweet facades! They knew what was going on and what was happening to him! Just because he was an excellent reader for his age, just because he had the equivalent reading level and interpretation of a high school student, they had to pick on him! They were jealous… just like every other human on the earth; they had to drag him down to their levels! “Charles” The nurse questioned worriedly “Yes” He replied in a dead pan voice. “Do you need someone to talk to?” “No” “I think you need a helper” “A psychiatrist” He spoke with the tone of a 6 year old, but with the intelligence of much more mature person. “Y….. yes” “No” “I think you need someone to-” “I have myself” “You can’t fight this on y-“ “I have been” “You don’t have to any-“ “I choose to”
If Dayton is in the nurse’s office repeatedly for the same thing, this kind of reaction is impossible. She would have figure out by now what was going on, probably ask “Was it the same bullies again?” or something along those lines to try and find a way to intervene. He could have shut down and just not answer or explain – effectively preventing her from being able to act and allow the situation to keep going for the history you’re wanting.
A nurse may send him to the school counselor rather than a psychiatrist, he’s six. Although, with how he’s speaking, rather than mature or intelligent, it simply sounds like the kind of responses you would get out of a very cynical veteran. If the bullying had been a problem for several years, this would be more acceptable, but given his age, he must have just started school which means he couldn’t have been subjected to bullying that scarred him that harshly quite yet.
As Charles walked down the hall, it seemed to stretch endlessly before him. The tiles grew longer and the lights stretched. Doorways disappeared and were replaced with hellish holes, filled with demons and monsters looking through at him, almost like they were beckoning him to come into their little dens. Their eyes had a fake glint to them. They looked full of innocence, full of a want to help this “Poor child”. But he didn’t fall for it at all; Charles saw them for what they were and would spare no time walking by their doors. When he made it back to class, they all stared at him. It was still the same as always. Get bullied, get annoyed by the “nurse” and then return to class, only to be stared at by the evil creatures he shared a room with
Is this another example of a delusion, or metaphor? It’s so hard to tell without being explicitly stated, honestly. If you could cover in more detail either in his history of the “Other Information” section of his app the types of delusions he suffers, it’d be a fair bit more helpful in regards to telling the difference.
Also, how is he so calm in reaction to the world around him literally distorting into such a nightmare? A child would be terrified of these things, however if this has actually become common place for him, it’d be more understandable? If he’s more experienced with these nightmares so often as a child and grown used to them, that’d make sense. It just seems like you’re writing for a character that is older than they actually are, which is why I suggested the age being bounced up for this section of his history.
They all had to sit in a circle and talk to the person on either side of them, tell them what they liked about them and then what they disliked… and then they all “worked it out” and pretended to like each other. “I….. Like your hair.” The kid next to Charles murmured in a frightened tone, feeling Charles’s death stare pierce through his soul.
Turning to the other kid next to him, Charles’s eyes still registered nothing. “I like the way you can’t sleep at night.”
“DAYTON!” The teacher was at it again. Why couldn’t they understand that he didn’t like other people? Why couldn’t they understand that he wanted to be left alone? … Sent to the principal’s office once again, another normal day at school.
I understand the point of this section is to explain that Dayton/Charles is distant and cold to his classmates, but this just left me rather baffled. What does “I like the way you can’t sleep at night” mean? What is the context of this line? It feels like there was supposed to be some sort of deeper meaning here, but I missed it entirely. Once more, Dayton is also painted as scary and intimidating, but isn’t Dayton the victim of bullying? How come he’s the intimidating person here? The scary guy may be picked on from the distance, but no one would have the courage to punch him in the face without a pretty damn good reason to. He seems to keep his distance from everyone so I don’t see what he’d be able to do to result in others literally punching him in the face. It’d be easier to skip this portion and just state that he was distant and cold to his classmates, instead.
He was seven years old now, and he stared soullessly at the people around him, forced to sing a redundant song to him about being a year closer to dying. When the song came to an end, they wasted no time in walking away from him. He was such a strange kid to them, he never spoke, never blinked when looking at them and when he did speak, he spoke in riddles, questioning their motifs. The lady walked over to Charles and held out a letter, childish scrawl written across the front.
Who are they and them? Who is the lady? Who is here, where are they? Why is everyone so cold to this clearly suffering child? Other children I could understand just wanting to go through the motions to get the cake when forced to celebrate for someone they’re not close to / know well, but the adults should be acting differently. I’d recommend once more bouncing his age up more to the pre-teen years (11-13).
His brain started doing it again. The world around him morphed and shifted into something terrible… or normal in his mind by now. The doorways had teeth, and called for him to join the children in the other room, and the lady in front of him had a melting face, her smile slipping into an evil, skeletal smile. When he looked down at the letter, he noticed that nothing was happening to it. He gained a sense of calm at the low, silver like light coming off of the letter and he opened it, seeing if something would happen, but nothing did. He noticed that he still felt a sense of calm from it. For once in his life, he felt excited for something and he ran back to his bed, clutching onto the envelope that gave him a sense of happiness. Crawling onto his bed and pulling out the paper, he opened it. The writing was terrible, but he could read it and make it out. A picture fell out of the folding and landed between his legs. Picking it up, he noticed that there was a white haired boy holding up two certificates.
This is probably the best and most clear description of Dayton/Charles’s delusions yet. Starting with a heads up of “this was all in his head” before going into the morphed visuals is easier to follow. This is actually a rather cute way to introduce Daxton to his brother in a way that made Daxton seem like the only virtuous thing in his shut off world. It’s one of my favorite sections of the history.
“Daxton Amari Raymer” and “Dayton Anahi Raymer”
“Dear Dayton, Mom and dad miss you a lot. And so do I. We don’t know where you are but a big man claims to. He says he can give you letters, but threatens mommy and daddy with hurtful words if they try to come and get you or turn him into the police. We love you bubby and ps. I love you more.”
However, while I’m a fan of Daxton being Dayton’s only beacon of light, I am not a fan of this letter or what it implies. Dayton was accidentally kidnapped, and ditched at the orphanage as an infant in a whole other region from where he was born. The odds of finding him are slim to none, where are the death threats coming from? Why are they necessary?
At this point, I’d recommend scrapping Dayton’s back story of being kidnapped as an infant and thrown into an Orphanage. Instead, if you wish for the boys to have grown up separate, use Dayton’s delusions as the reason. As a young child – maybe a toddler, have him showing signs of the delusions and there was enough of him seeing monsters, demons and the like to make his parents concerned and freaked out enough they were desperate to find a solution. That was when he was sent to a hospital in Sinnoh that specialized in cases such as Dayton’s. Sent so young, he’d probably have barely if any recollection of Daxton, and it could simply be his parents are not wealthy enough to visit him regularly that he’s seemingly on his own here. Maybe he stayed at the hospital and he grew up with other mental patients who were violent towards him when the nurses looked away. He attends a school close to the hospital as well, where he is also bullied. There are ghost types that linger outside of the hospital that he watches from his window with silent fascination. He pretty much lives at this hospital as they try to better understand him and what’s going on inside of his mind, but he’s begun to shut off from everyone. In an attempt to try and get him to open back up, his parents have Daxton write a letter to Dayton that becomes his only beacon of light in a world he’s shut himself up in. This is when he finally gets that feeling of ‘this is my other half’.
She knew! She knew and she stilled pretended that his name was Charles?! The same feeling as before washed over him. He wanted to kill her, in the most brutal way possible, but his mind was flowing with way too many thoughts and he couldn’t organize them. A headache washed over him and he just closed his eyes, imagining the world around him coming to a halt.
The rage in the beginning of his caretaker knowing could simply be Dayton being angry at a nurse that was excited to see Dayton’s own excitement with the letter. She happily states something that reveals she’d known all along about Dayton’s brother that makes Dayton only feel betrayed for no one having told him about Daxton before.
While staring into the water, the face of that strange Pokemon appeared behind his reflection again, this time, it took on a colored appearance instead of a warping shadow. It smiled viciously and it looked as if it was trying to prey on him. He knew it had a name to it, he had read of it before. He strained to remember what it's name was. Hypno! He remembered now and turned to face it.
That strange Pokémon appeared again? This is the first time his history is mentioning anything along the lines of a Hypno or strange Pokémon in his delusions / dreams but it’s an interesting touch. Hypno do target children.
When Dayton turned around, there was a tall man standing behind him, the Hypno fading from existence. A red cloak billowed out and came to rest around his knees, his white hair moving some before also falling to rest. He looked up in awe at the figure, which seemed… laid back, to be realistic, he seemed really lazy. His boots weren’t buckled and his pants were bagging some, showing the elastic band of his black boxers. He wore no shirt but had a strap going across his chest, which probably carried some kind of weapon. When he opened his mouth to speak, the figure looked down at him, and stared at him gently with sapphire blue eyes. “Dayton…. Wake up.”
Is… Is Dayton a prophet? This is too accurate of a description of Daxton’s present day FC’s appearance to really just be dismissed as some sort of delusion or coincidental dream. Even prophets on site don’t have this accurate of a vision / clear visions, last I checked. Age Daxton back down in Dayton’s “happy place” to match Dayton’s age and maybe have it be where they’re playing together or just talking about the things Dayton can’t talk to anyone else about.
The bullies didn’t bug him as much, but they still made a mental impact… and this psychiatrist made a psychological impact, driving Dayton to insanity. “If you’re expecting me to answer that stupid question for you, then you’re in for a rude awakening.” They were “Evaluating” Dayton. Considering that two families had picked him up, abused him and then dropped him off, the school system in Snow point thought it would only be fitting to put him through serious mental strain with these stupid psychiatrists. He did admit to his self though, being dropped off all the way in Sunny shore certainly was a surprise for him. But what helped him keep what little sanity he could, was that the man who was delivering the letters, was able to keep up with where Dayton was located, and continued to drop them off. He zoned out on the psychiatrist and sooner than he expected, they were done. Their session was up and he walked out before he could say another thing to Dayton.
How did the psychiatrist drive Dayton to insanity? That is the exact opposite of his job. What question was Dayton asked? What kind of school system would put anyone through mental strain? For what reason? This whole paragraph is confusing. Why was he dropped off in Sunnyshore? What the hell is going on in this section of his history?
For my suggestion where Dayton was placed in the hospital, it could simply be a case of his condition having worsened and him refusing medication or avoiding taking it. He perceives the psychiatrist as threats and his delusions morph their words to be intimidating rather than consoling or helpful. The hospital remembering Daxton’s letter had briefly improved his condition try to set Dayton with foster families for the time being, but conflicts with the other children there result in it not working and he’s right back at square one – no progress.
He was walking out of the building, on his way back to the orphanage, wading through the deep snow. The world around him was strange… how did they know about his thoughts? How he saw the world as a dark, evil place. How reality would twist into this wicked, dark perception. The only thing he would do was walk with the ghost types in the wilderness. Maybe it was when he was caught standing next to a Trevenant? He was mumbling to the Trevenant, speaking with it of how the world was an evil place and how he must’ve understood what he meant, knowing that the Pokemon had full view of the forest at all times, and knew what was going on in it, at all times. The orphanage mother had snuck up on him, and that’s when they started sending him to a psychiatrist.
This took a few reads to understand, but from what I got it was still a bit confusing. You need to mention who “they” are before using the pronouns, or at least address who “they” are shortly after you use the term.
Hospital Suggestion; With his condition not improving, Dayton sneaks out to indulge in his curiosity about the ghost types he’d been watching outside of his window for so long. Heading out there, he speaks to them – though they don’t retort. It’s just soothing to him to speak to them for some reason. One day he sneaks out and ends up caught by a nurse…
Dayton hated her, that’s why he had started going to these sessions… all because she was terrified of a ghost type, which she brutally attacked with her Espeon. That attack still echoed in the deepest parts of his brain. Why someone would attack a ghost type Pokemon like that before even giving a chance to see it was doing no harm, was behind him. The cruelty of man truly had no limits. Why people treated their own kind so terribly was beyond him, but attacking something that didn’t have a voice was too much. He wanted the woman to die, and the plot in his mind would come to fruition, no matter what it took. There was one less Trevenant in the wild now because of her. There several Phantump now, left all by themselves to roam the forest without a guide. Left by their selves unless one of them would be lucky enough to survive and evolve on its own… He felt terrible, he felt like it was his fault that the Pokemon was so ruthlessly destroyed. He felt connected to it, and all because he was selfish, didn’t want to be alone… it was found and destroyed, by his own kind.
So, was this when Dayton really started to hate her? For a majority of his life thus far, Dayton has expressed nothing but contempt for this woman, but this is the first time his hatred was given any kind of legitimate reason. He liked the ghost Pokémon, and she attacked with her Espeon. For someone so very attached to those Pokémon, this kind of thing would be unforgivable, and with the right twisted mind, I can believe he’d want to kill her.
Hospital Suggestion; (Continuing from previous section) … who mistook the sight of the Trevenant that Dayton befriended as a threat. Intending to defend / save Dayton, she sent her Espeon after the Trevenant and the battle quickly escalated resulting in the Trevenant’s early demise.
His mind rushed with all of these strange feelings and he saw a giant red bird like Pokemon, Volcarona? That wasn't right, why was it so big? The city was suddenly on fire and the massive wings from the Pokemon spread out as it breathed destruction down on the city, people unable to escape the path it laid out; anyone who wasn’t obliterated was turned to stone, crumbling into piles of rotten flesh. There was a man on the back of it. He couldn’t make out who it was, but when the stranger turned around to face him, his face was a black void. There was nothing on it, when he raised a hand and pointed at him, he realized that he was pointing past him.
What’s with the mentioning of a giant red bird? If this is a Legendary Pokémon, where’d he see this one, why is it in his delusions… Where is this coming from? It feels horribly out of place, I’d suggest just flat out cutting the Armageddon imagery described here. It had nothing to do with his previous desires to kill the caretaker; it just feels shoved in and unnecessary. I don’t even know where Dayton is anymore, you’ve been writing the history as snippets and stories from his past, but there’s no description of the setting except for when Dayton is in one of his delusions. Simply changing the perspective to an omnipotent narrator helps cover more of the details that are desperately needed here.
Hospital Suggestion; He begins to have another delusional episode after the Trevenant’s death, refusing to go back inside the hospital and stay outside in the cold where the Pokémon had died. The nurses just watch from afar, leaving him be as the world around him morphs. It could be when the nurses get distracted by something that he’s suddenly shoved in the back of some unidentified van and kidnapped.
When he awoke, he was blinded by the lights above him.
-Torture Skip-
-Delusion Skip-
Dayton didn’t know how long he was hooked up to the machine; all he knew was that his eyes had run dry. He had cried his self to the point where tears were no longer flowing. He arched his back forward and cried out once more. They had given up with him and assumed that he was telling the truth, for now. They dropped his body to the floor and kicked him several times out of frustration. The men couldn’t believe that they had wasted almost a whole twenty four hours they could’ve used on someone much more useful than this brat, or just looking for themselves. They didn’t care, if they found anyone like this kid again, they’d do the same thing.
Thank you for cutting out the torture, but I think in the process of cutting out the gore and horror, you also removed a lot of important details. Like… Why was he kidnapped in the first place? What information does he have that’s so important that they have to go to such lengths to get it? There’s literally been no mention of him getting any kind of special intel that would call for this. Why are they torturing him so gruesomely that you had to actually skip it / remove it? Why are they being so brutal? Why would they let him live after torturing him so horrendously? Given the way they treated him, wouldn’t they just kill him? What is the point of this? Dayton already hates everyone.
I’d give a suggestion, but I’m honestly confused about the point of this whole set up and why it is a part of the history in the first place. I can only suggest you simply cut this, or make the whole situation actually be one massive delusion if you really must have it.
It’s not like he was open to begin with, or that he even liked people… but whenever he trusted someone just enough to tell them what his name was, it was enough to spur a chain of terrible events, events that would just bring down more pain, therapy sessions and psychologists.
Why did such terrible things happen just from knowing his name? I'm really confused.
The delusions were much more frequent than before. He could now identify the large shadow, that piercing cry and those mysterious tendrils as Spiritomb. The large Pokemon would call out to him, beckon him. It would seem as if it was showing him something, trying to lead him to a goal. Occasionally, it would even put him in a murderers body, for some reason, showing him things he could do to people… things he could do to strike back after all of the pain people had caused him over the years.
Hospital Suggestion; After all these years, the delusions remained, growing stronger and cutting him off further from those around him. He could have dealt with it a fair bit easier if he still had those letters from his brother, but he’d heard not a peep from him for the past two years. Dayton was moved to a different part of the hospital where his contact with people became a bit more limited – almost solitary because of the recent growth of his delusions. He had confessed to the psychiatrist that his delusions began showing him how to kill and get his revenge against those who had wronged him. Apparently this deemed him as a threat.
His brain twisted in agony, his head pounding with the beat of his heart now. He tried to open his eyes through the searing pain, and when he did, he found the world falling away from him again, this time though, it was his happy place.
Outside of his delusion, when and where does this stuff keep happening? His home at night? In the middle of the woods? What is triggering all these sudden delusions? Or are they just random?
He could hear the screams of a man in the distortion realm, and while he was looking for them, a massive shadow darted past him, giving him gravity, bringing him down to a land mass and flying off towards the sounds of the screams. Dayton ran as fast as he could to find out what was going on... He came across the source of the screams. The man in the red cloak was on the ground, covered in blood and crying out in agony. The long shadow formed Spiritomb and cried out as well, pulling Dayton towards the pair quickly. Tendrils forming wings made of tortured sous, Spiritomb flipped them upwards, putting Dayton in front of the crying figure. He was hunched over... -Torture skip-
. . . What is going on? I don’t like the use of Distortion Realm here, as Giratina resides within the Distortion World, so please refer to his world of delusions as something else. Also, seriously, what is going on? Where is this? Is that a real Spiritomb, or just part of his imagination? Is the man real? Is any of this real? Tellmeplease.
Dayton opened his eyes and saw the person above him was some strange woman. Her short brown hair was messed up and all over the place. She seemed really concerned too. While the planet and city was burning in his eyes, she gave off a small light, one that glimmered hope. He blinked at her and his world returned to normal. This woman was knelt down above him, helping him to his feet. Faith, she told him that her name was Faith. When she grabbed onto his hands, he felt his heart jump some almost like it was fluttering. Dayton fell in love.
You just ended a torture time skip and went straight into a love story that may still be better than Twilight. Where are they? Where did she come from? Why was Dayton just then opening her eyes? Did he faint? Is this another delusion? Is this the real life, or is it just fantasy?Dayton hates everyone, Dayton does not trust people enough to tell them his name. Why is he suddenly just falling in love the moment he knows this woman’s name? What is so special about her? Why is she necessary to his history of woe and solitude?
They spent the next three months together, living in bliss. Dayton was happy, and the delusions didn’t affect him or get his attention as much as they used to, but it wasn’t long before there was a knock on their door. The two Seventeen year olds got up to answer the door but were greeted by a couple of men… in lab coats! Dayton began to panic some, it was that guy again! They were after him and they somehow found him again! They knocked both of them out, and it wasn’t long before they woke up in a clearing. -torture skip-
I still don’t understand what makes this woman any different, or why Dayton’s alright with her when he’s never given anyone else the time of day – except his brother. I like that him being around someone he genuinely loves helps with his delusions, but I don’t get what’s the reason for suddenly giving him this love interest.
Also, what’s wrong with men in lab coats?This is the first time lab coats have been mentioned in Dayton’s history, and who is that guy? Why are they after him?This is probably why they would have killed him in the first place. Also, you have two pairs here, so… Who knocked who out? I want to assume the lab coat bros knocked out Dayton and Faith, but I don’t know, you keep making things apparently too graphic that you leave out really important details.
-Final time skip-
I’m going to assume five years, but that’s just a shot in the dark since this one never specified the time. But wait… Wait, hold on, I’m confused. What happened after the torture? What happened during the torture? There’s a lot of things that happened in the previous section of Dayton’s history you didn’t cover that makes the rest rather confusing. As much as I feel Faith is a completely unnecessary addition to Dayton’s struggles, I’m more bothered by the fact she just vanishes without explanation after this point. I stand by my argument that you should just remove her entirely as she really had no impact here.
Dayton sat alone in his room and stared solemnly at the wall, his thoughts flustered. His eyes flashed with those visions again.
I have a dire need for more parts and sections of Dayton’s history to be described just like this. I know where he is right from the get go, I’m not confused about the sudden shift in scenery because the time skip acted as a transition. I know that this is a different time from the previous incident, so it’s easier to follow. I also know we’re currently in reality because this states the visions/delusions flash in front of his eyes instead of just suddenly stating that shit was hitting the fan around him.While the character may be confused by his delusions, I as the reader would like to better know when we’re in the real life and when we’re in his fantasy.
Delusions are what everyone else called them, but they were obviously visions. They were always linked to some kind of event… there was no running from them either, or that massive shadow that’ll appear.
So… Is Dayton a prophet, or does he just think he is?I’d really prefer the latter, he’s got enough going on in his head with just the delusions, I think him just believing he’s a prophet would be a fair bit more interesting than the idea of him legitimately being a prophet. Also, what massive shadow? Context please?
His wings would unfold and he’d engulf him, taking him to his comfort zone… or his wings would spread and he’d fly off, leading him somewhere or showing him something. Often including a weird mountain, topped with pillars. He laid his head back to sleep, and he did. Drifting off into a dream in his comfort zone, surrounded by floating land masses that suddenly began to shake. The land fell out beneath of Dayton and his eyes shot open. He realized he had been restrained again and this time, was in a cage, in a room, dark and bloody. His eyes strained and he saw those three brutes again, staring at him with those twisted eyes and sharpened teeth. Dayton spit at them and they kicked the cage, warning him that he probably shouldn’t do that again.
//sob. I don’t know which parts are metaphors, delusions, or reality anymore. I’m assuming that for the third or fourth time, Dayton has been KIDNAPPED BUT NOT KILLED. This is too much, way too much. I still don’t even understand why this keeps happening to him. What the hell did he do? Who did he piss off? Why don’t they just kill him?
He begged that they let Daxton go… and they did. They shipped him off to Dewford in a steel crate with his sedated Pokemon and shook their heads. Drugging Dayton heavily, they dropped him off in Dewford as well, some ways away from Daxton’s home.
Where did Daxton come from? Oh it was probably covered in the torture scene that had to be removed. Could you at least give a brief mention of important details that you go over in these super graphic scenes? I’m tired of being so confused… Also, why did they let him go again? I already know he’s probably just going to get kidnapped again at this point for another torture scene I won’t be able to read. Why do people hate these twins so much to torture them, but just not enough to kill them when they don’t give them what they want?They’re tortured and let go so much, torture has basically just become the equivalent of a slap on the wrist in this history and lost all of its graphic, heartwrenching, and inhumane meaning. It’s simply overdone at this point.
Dayton lay on the ground by Daxton’s house and was woken up by a shadow over him. His eyes cracked open to see a white haired man standing over him with a concerned face. He was going through an envelope splattered with blood, looking down at him every so often to make sure that it was real.
“You’re Dayton…” Daxton’s disbelief was almost tangible on his lips as he breathed lightly, staring with wide, blue eyes.
. . . Aren’t they twins? I think Daxton would know this just by looking at the man who looks identical to him, but this is me nit picking. I’m sorry. How did they get here? How did he get out of a steel crate? Why are they still alive? Please tell me why they just dropped them off at Daxton’s house like dropping off kids for a play date?
The world around him warped some and that large shadow was nowhere to be found. The white haired man… that was his twin… Daxton was glowing white, a soft glow hidden behind his bright blue eyes. The room he was in was bathed in a soft light, warming him some. His eyes drifted closed and he found his self-asleep, floating quietly in the distortion realm.
I was willing to just let this be, but then I got to the last sentence. “… floating quietly in the distortion realm.” No.You really need to refer to Dayton’s little comfort zone as something else. I keep getting it confused for Distortion World and freak out that suddenly this man is throwing himself into an alternate Legendary dimension somehow.
The rest of his history from this point onwards is fine however. I’m sorry if I came across as strict, killed any muse you may have had for the character, or shot down a lot of your ideas with this thorough review of Dayton’s history. However, given your desire to write and interest in novels, I figured this was necessary. If you need help rebuilding Dayton, or would like more details concerning the Hospital Suggestion I had for his history, PM me with a rough outline of what you want for Dayton’s history and I can help however you may need it. Dayton’s a good concept, but at the moment, he is a diamond in the rough that needs some help to shine.
When you have updated your application, please re-post a link to it in the Mod Summons Shout box.
I've had a handful o stuff to do and work keeps calling me in. When I get in my PC. I can explain all this. I am gonna scrap his history though, it was based around something that I found out wasn't allowed on this site and I tried editing to where I wouldn't have to do anymore typing and groaning at my keyboard cause it's a butthead (keys are sticking more and more)
I will do a complete overhaul when I get the chance